Tag: death

4 stages of bereavement

Written by Suraj Shah. Inspired by greatness.

From shock to strength: it does get better

In our day to day lives, loss affects each of us on some scale.

There can be smaller losses such as dropping some loose change from a pocket, or a slight scratch on a brand new car.

At other times there may be significant losses, such as a house burning down, the loss of eyesight, or even the death of a loved one.

The type of loss we will explore here is the one you go through when someone close to you passes away.

Loss that leads to bereavement

Along with loss comes bereavement – a range of feelings over time that arise from that loss.

If you are facing a significant loss yourself, or are seeking to support someone who is going through a major loss, you may notice a pattern of bereavement that is common for many people.

The four stages of bereavement

There are four common stages of bereavement:

  1. immediate shock
  2. unable to accept
  3. depression
  4. renewal

However, keep in mind that we are all different. Grief is individual, and the way and order in which we grieve will vary.

Stage 1: Immediate reaction of shock

As soon as the death occurs, and over the following hours and days, you may be in a state of shocked disbelief.

Alternatively, instead of immediate shock, you may be rather calm and detached.

Either reaction is natural and understandable.

Stage 2: Unable to accept

At this stage, you may think that the person you have lost is still physically with you.

You are unable to accept the loss, and at some level are denying that the death has occurred.

You may make mistakes that may confuse or frighten you. Examples include:

  • waking up and expecting them to be lying next to you.
  • going downstairs in the morning and expecting them to be in the kitchen as usual, lovingly preparing breakfast for you.
  • laying a place for them at the dinner table.
  • calling the family down for dinner and calling their name out too.

This might freak you out a bit, but it is all normal. Daily habits are so deeply ingrained that they will continue to be part of your day.

Stage 3: Depressed and alone

No matter how many people are around you, or how much support you receive, you will have small moments or even long periods of time when you feel lost, alone and confused.

This could span across many many months.

You may question your own faith, your faith in God, faith in other people, and even faith in yourself.

You may lose interest in everything and may want to shut yourself off from the world.

You may question whether even your own life is worth living.

This may be a very heavy and lonely time.

Even this phase passes.

Stage 4: Renewed strength and focus

Eventually, as the pain eases, you find yourself being able to think about the person you have lost, without feeling sad.

This is a chance to recommence life with a renewed sense of strength and focus.

You could continue with old interests, or you could take up new pursuits.

Do you feel disloyal to the person who has died?

Remember that they are always a part of you, and you can allow yourself to enjoy the present.

There was a man whose wife had died. They had been married over 25 years. 18 months after she died, he took up salsa classes and started dating. He had discovered how to have fun again and his spirit was renewed.

From shock to strength: it does get better

From the moment the death occurs, you may feel grief and sadness, but you may also experience feelings of anger, fear, self-pity or even panic.

You don’t need to hide them – they are a part of your bereavement.

Share these feelings with a sympathetic listener – it does help.

Some of your friends may avoid you – this happens. It is most likely that they are embarrassed and don’t know what to say. Be understanding. Take the first step and let them know you need their support.

Grief is a very isolating process – we feel as if no-one could possibly experience what we are going through. But millions of people around the world have been through it, and they are doing fine now.

Whatever stage of bereavement you are at, remember that the pain will pass and life will again be full of strength, focus and joy.

Every decision is life or death

Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Tyler Tervooren.

“Just pick something,” they say. “It’s not life or death.”

Well, actually it is. Every decision you make is life or death. Every single one leads to one result or the other – even the seemingly insignificant ones.

When you decide to do something you love, you choose to live. When you decide to do something you don’t, you choose to die. It really is that simple.

Life is filled with daily decisions and lots of them are tied to these things we call responsibilities. Nothing wrong with that, really, as long as those are things that actually bring you to life. It’s easy to see responsibilities as a kind of burden – something we agreed to do a long time ago and now we’re stuck with it – but they can be rejuvenating and life affirming as well.

Big little decisions

I’ve given myself the responsibility to publish a new article twice a week. I have a whole list of things I feel responsible to accomplish that give me plenty of joy. When I get an email from you, I feel a deep sense of responsibility to answer it the best I can. Doing that makes me really happy.

Every day I decide to keep up with those responsibilities and my life is drastically better because of it.

I know this because sometimes I slip up and pass on an opportunity to get closer to my dreams or an email goes unanswered. When that happens, I can feel a real tug in my heart like I’ve missed something valuable. Like I decided not to live in favor of doing something else that doesn’t bring me happiness.

On the other hand, life is also filled with unwanted responsibilities – things we accidentally agreed to that drain our energy and do nothing but take us one step closer to the grave.

I’ve committed to jobs I didn’t actually want to do. I’ve agreed to help people with things I have no business helping them with. I’ve even committed myself to stupid little things like reading books that I hated because I’d already bought them and didn’t want to “waste the money.”

The big secret

Here’s the thing. Life is filled with all kinds of stuff that’s available to you in limitless quantity, but time isn’t one of them.

Every time you decide to do something that drains your energy instead of brings you life, you’re choosing to die instead of live.

It may seem like an insignificant decision, but do it too many times and you end up with a lot of regrets at the end. These things compound.

So what if today, instead of choosing to die, you chose to live instead? What if you blew off that unnecessary responsibility and found a new one that actually made you happy?

What would happen?

  • Would you die?
  • Would you go to jail?
  • Would your family disown you?

If you can answer no to those three questions, it’s probably in your best interest to go ahead and do it.

All or Nothing?

Sure, we can’t get away from everything we dislike about life, but that’s okay; a little bit of tension is what makes it worth living. There is no sweet without the contrasting sour. The goal is to slowly tip the scale towards life instead of death.

I suppose if I wanted to be morbid, I could say that, yes, we’re all slowly dying, but wouldn’t you rather live a little on your way there?

I know my answer.

So what do you think? How can you start making more decisions to live?

(Photo courtesy of redwood)

Tyler Tervooren blogs at Advanced Riskology. He is a writer, musician, and risk taker on a quest to join the top 1% of the world. Tyler loves helping people do scary things that improve their lives.

Reacting to the news of a teacher dying

Post written by Suraj Shah.

If you heard that a teacher you admire has just died, how would you react?

When I was studying for my GCSEs, I was struggling with physics. Fortunately, mum had hired a private tutor to help me align with the subject better.

Mr Wynston, an admired physics tutor

Mr Wynston would come to our home every single Tuesday evening and would help me to understand the past week’s topic. He would only charge for an hour, but would leave only after he was positive that I clearly understood the topic that we had planned to work on that week.

Every week, the wide-built Mr Wynston would arrive in his tiny Nissan Micra, and would pop a mint into his mouth as soon as he stepped in the front door. During our sessions he would always write with a pencil and would press so hard that he almost engraved the dining table with physics formulae! I thought that was just his style, but it turns out that he was probably struggling to write. I really admired Mr Wynston for the way he taught and the care he took with me. He was firm, but kind.

Getting the news

Close to the date of my exams, mum got a call from Mrs Wynston. Now Mr Wynston’s wife would never normally call us. Once mum got off the phone, she shared the news with me that Mr Wynston had been battling with cancer for a long time, although we didn’t know it, and he had passed away.

Confused reaction

As soon as mum told me this, a smile shot across my face, compounded with a deep feeling of guilt (for smiling) and confusion about how to react to the news. I felt sad and frustrated at not knowing what I felt about it, and my inappropriate expression. Even mum looked shocked at the way I was reacting to it.

This was probably one of my earliest memories of learning about someone I knew personally being alive one moment and dead the next.

I recall there have been other times when I have received sad news in my life. Not knowing how to react, I have expressed an inappropriate smile. Has that ever happened to you?

Death becomes easier to deal with

As we grow up, death seems to be easier to react to. We hear about it more. We expect it more. We know that where there is birth and life, death is certainly inevitable. Somehow that makes it easier to deal with.

(Photo courtesy of kpwerker)