Being able to say goodbye

Written by Suraj Shah. Inspired by greatness.

One of the biggest regrets for those who have lost a loved one is that they never got a chance to say goodbye, or how much they loved them.

I read in the local paper how a young man who appeared to have taken his life, had told his sister he loved her just minutes before being killed by a train. The sister said:

“I was speaking to my best friend on the phone and she was getting off a train at Hayes station,”

“She saw Tony there, and he said: ‘Tell Louisa I love her’.

“She passed him the phone and he said to me: ‘I know we don’t talk that much but you know I love you.’

“I said: ‘I love you too, bro’, and told him to come over for dinner because dad was away on holiday.

“Then he said: ‘I’ve got to go now’ – and that was it.

“I can take that with me for the rest of my life. Out of everyone in the family, it was fate that I got to talk to him.

“I can feel him with me now.”

Louisa is likely feeling sad and confused about her brother’s death, and yet said “I can feel him with me now.”

The death of a loved one can happen as a result of an accident, a suicide, or perhaps a long-term illness. We never really know when someone is going to die, when they will be gone forever.

But even though they may no longer be around, there is something that does stay forever: that warm feeling of closeness, of happy memories, of inspiring qualities.

Embracing their virtues

In the world in which we live, we tend to get so caught up in our mundane day-to-day activities that we seem to forget to value and appreciate the wonderful qualities of those around us.

But it’s the appreciation of those virtues that make life so worth living. It brings brightness to an otherwise gloomy day. It brings magic to a boring afternoon. It brings lightness a stressful week.

So take the time to tell the people around you how you feel, how they positively impact your life, how they have inspired you to take bold steps.

Anil Bhandary recently wrote:

Extroverts, introverts or ambiverts, all of us have something to say. Something to express. But expressing what is truly in one’s heart is difficult. Because we are scared of being judged, because it sounds ridiculous.

Here is the thing: Life is simple. I know you have many things to say to many lovely people around. Life will only get complicated by not saying what one wants to. Say it, for your heart will get lighter and you will be glad you did. Sure, it would be weird, uncommon, but worth it.

So pick up the phone, send a card, arrange a time to sit and have a coffee, and openly share with the people you care about just how wonderful they are and how much you love them. Then there will be fewer regrets when they are no longer around.

So what do you do if you have already lost someone you love?

Clearly not everyone has the opportunity to tell the ones they love just how they feel about them.

You may even feel that for you it’s too late.  But it isn’t.  Here are some ideas that may help:

  • Write a note: Set some time aside, put pen to paper, and write out what you would have wanted to say to them but never felt you got the chance to.
  • Light a candle: In the evening when it is dark and you are alone, light a candle and recollect a fond memory you have with the one you have lost. At that point, express out loud or within your heart just you felt about them, and resolve to carry that strength into your day-to-day work.
  • Share memories: Gather a few friends and family and share wonderful stories about the times you had together with the one you have lost. There will be laughs and there will be tears, but your fond memories will live on. Their virtues will live on.

You’ll see that it is never really about saying goodbye. Rather, it is about expressing how you felt about them and recognising the gift of virtues they have left behind for you to embrace in your own life.

What do you wish you would have told someone you have lost? Share your thoughts on ‘saying goodbye’ at Google +

Shy away: making new friends

Written by Suraj Shah.

After the loss of a loved one, do you find it hard to make new friends?

Recently I have been offering bereavement support to an elderly woman who, after losing her husband, was sad to also lose her social life.

This is a woman who grew up as a shy girl in a large family where she did not need to make new friends. She had moved half-way across the world when she married and the only friends she had since then were her husband’s male friends and their wives.

When her husband died, suddenly the dinner parties stopped, those friends no longer visited her, and with her family living too far away she became very lonely at home. Put off by insincere people and scared about people’s motives, she became reluctant to make new friends.

This woman asked me what she could do to make new friends.

From shy to sociable

When I was young, I too was incredibly shy. So much so that I even bought a book on “How to start a conversation and make friends”. I was so embarrassed about it that I hid the book in my bedroom cupboard to hide my shame.

Then at the age of 16 something changed. It all started with a smile.

I was waiting for a bus to school, like I had been that whole term, when an attractive woman in her mid-20s approached the bus stop. Even though I had noticed her earlier that week, I did something different that day. Rather than dodging eye contact and staring at the pavement, I looked straight into her eyes and said “hi!” with a smile. She smiled and said “hi” back.

That day, my life transformed. I lost my shyness and started initiating fun and playful conversations, some of which turned into warm long-term friendships.

Now I can confidently pick up the randomest conversations with the randomest of people in the randomest of places. My wife sometimes has to give me a stern look so that I remember to pay her more attention than I do to those around us!

Tips for overcoming shyness and initiating conversations

Starting a conversation is easier than you may think. Try some of these out and let me know how you get on:

  • Smile: Clearly it worked for me when I was 16. A geninue smile is incredibly powerful. It gives off a feeling of warmth and friendliness to another person and helps to spark an initial connection.
  • Where to make new friends: Hang out at places where you are likely to find others with similar interests: specialist bookshops; cafes; museums; galleries; parks. Chances are, you may just find someone to talk to in the train or at a bus stop.
  • Use the props: Look at what they are carrying — a musical instrument, a book you recognise, interesting jewellery or footwear. Comment on it.
  • Listen: Listen deeply to what they are saying and relay back a few things that you pick up from their words to check you’ve understood correctly. Once you’ve done that, add something from your own perspective.
  • There is always something to contribute: You do have something valuable to say and can positively contribute to any conversation.  Always remember that.
  • Appreciate their qualities: If you have observed something about them that you admire, grow that feeling in your heart, remembering that you would only notice it in someone else if you had it (even on a small level at first) within yourself.
  • Not everyone wants to talk: Some people would prefer not to get into a conversation – usually out of fear about talking to strangers or their own discomfort, and they are very happy just with themselves. That’s ok – let them be and move on.

Once you start to initiate conversations and make new friends, you’ll quickly see how fun and simple it is to do.  Enjoy the process and learn more about yourself through new people you meet.

Comment on this post and share your own shyness dissolving tips at Google+

Audio interview on bereavement, loss and missing a loved one

Podcast by Suraj Shah and Bridgette Mongeon

In June 2012, I was interviewed by Bridgette Mongeon of GodsWord.net.

Bridgette is a sculptor who helps bereaved people come to terms with their loss.  She engages clients in a patient process of open-hearted questioning which gradually helps form a sculpture of their loved one.

In the podcast, we talk about:

  • How to get bereavement support at a time of loss.
  • The role of detachment in dealing with the death of a loved one.
  • Bridgette’s work as a sculptor to help bereaved people through their loss.

Listen to the full podcast (37m 48s) at GodsWord.net or download the audio file (51.9MB MP3).