Suraj – Page 31 – Live with loss

Interview: Premal Shah on the loss of his cousin brother

“We talked at home openly about him, shared memories of him, laughed at the things he used to say and do.”

Premal Shah is a 37 year old Chartered Physiotherapist, married with two children aged 9 and 6. He is currently preparing to participate in the Everest Basecamp Trek in 2012, in memory of his cousin brother who recently passed away due to a brain tumour.

In this interview, Premal talks about the loss of his cousin brother, how he discussed the topic with his own children, and preparation for his trek to the Everest Basecamp.

You recently lost your cousin brother. Tell us about him.

Amit was 45. He ran his own very successful pharmacy business in Hackney, and also did a lot on work with the NHS in improving the lives of local people. He was married with two boys.

What were the last few months and days of his life like for him, for you, how did he die, and how was that for you?

Amit died because of a brain tumour that was diagnosed last year after a sudden downturn in his health. The family was devastated, but somehow he always managed to look at the funnier side of life. After his diagnosis, he committed his remaining time for his wife and children. We didn’t really see him, but communicated via phone and email. Time was precious to him, so it was important that he spent his time with those closest to him.

What were some of the biggest challenges for you, and how did you manage to deal with them?

For me personally, the biggest challenge was dealing with the idea that his life was soon to end, and that the treatment he was undergoing was unlikely to help him. I had no problem in explaining to my children what was happening. Honesty and frankness is vital. Sometimes the truth is painful.

What did you do to bring about peace within yourself at the time of Amit’s declining health and eventual death?

We talked at home openly about him, shared memories of him, laughed at the things he used to say and do. He was an amazing character, and one that should be celebrated.

What are the most important lessons you have learnt from his life, his illness, and his death?

Life is precious, time can be short. Family and close friends should be valued.

You are planning a trek to Everest next year – tell us a bit about that.

In February 2012, I am going to trek up to the base camp on Mount Everest. I will be reaching an altitude of around 18,000 feet and trekking 8 hours a day for 10 days. I will be sleeping at times in temperatures close to -15. This is all in aid of raising money for Brainstrust, the charity Amit wanted to be supported. Amit was an amazing person. I want to do something amazing to honour him. I am out of shape and lazy, so the challenge will be that much more for someone like me.

Editor’s note: If you wish to support Premal’s trek in memory of his cousin, and through him donate to Brainstrust, Amit’s chosen charity, please visit http://www.justgiving.com/premshah

(Photo caption: Premal Shah proudly supporting the charity Brainstrust)

Father’s shelter

Post written by Suraj Shah.

Father: one who provides, protects, and creates the environment for growth.

As young children in the playground at school, we would often boast “my daddy is the best!”

What makes your father the best?

When it comes to my dad, I certainly appreciate how he has always been our provider and protector. He has worked hard to keep a roof over our heads, whilst continuing to show his love through hugs and treats.

My earliest memory with dad was probably when I was 4 or 5 years old, when we were standing at the top of the staircase at our old house, and dad was teaching me how to tie my shoe laces. He did it with such care and patience.

A father’s shelter

Over the years, I remember dad for how he has:

taught my brother and I how to ride our bikes.
taught us how to put up lining paper and repaint the house.
taught us how to mow the lawn.
taught us how to swim.
helped us get onto our own two feet.

Even now, married and living in my own house, my dad recently guided me over the phone how to fix the overflowing toilet cistern. Previously I’d left it to dad to sort out issues to do with maintaining the house, but it’s a wonderful feeling to learn these DIY skills, whilst knowing that I can lean on dad if I need some guidance.

My father has certainly provided for us and protected us over the years, and even better, he has shown us how to become independent and even take care of those who depend on us.

Fear of losing dad

Within weeks of mum passing away in 2006, we had another death in the family. On the day of mum’s uncle’s funeral, when the body was brought into the house and a pre-cremation ritual was taking place, I could see the sadness that the sons were facing at the loss of their father.

My dad was standing half way up the stairs, and at that moment, deep sorrow hit me. I darted up the stairs, embraced dad and I started sobbing. As tears flooded down my face, I held dad tighter and said “don’t leave so soon, I need you here”. Fear of losing dad, a type of fear that I didn’t know I had, came to the surface, and I couldn’t stop sobbing.

Dad, having only recently lost his wife, did the best he could to comfort me.

Of course, I knew that anyone who is alive, will one day die. I also knew that my father was not exempt from that. So why did I sob so much? Why did I fear the loss of my father? It was my attachment to dad.

Will dad always be around?

I take dad for granted. I think he will always be around, will always be there to love me, to care for me, to protect me.

But going by how nature works, dad will not always be around. One day he may face an accident, or he may die of natural causes, or he may change into someone I don’t recognise any more. Anything could happen.

What would happen if I reduced my emotional attachment to my father? Would I be free from pain if he is no longer around? I’m not talking about feeling numb, or loving him any less. I’m talking about continuing to enhance the love I have for him, but minimise feelings of anger and emptiness that would arise from eventually losing him.

By taking the time to understand the true nature of reality, I would realise that my father, who was once born, will eventually die. By thinking on this, I would learn to love my father, without being dependent on him being around. I would understand that a strong attachment to my dad is futile, but a bond of love without expectation, would help us have an enriching relationship for the time we have together.

So I continue to ask myself: “Should I reduce attachment to my father? Could I? How?”

If your father is still with you, how would you answer this? If your father is no longer around, what would you ask yourself?

(Photo courtesy of dariuszka)

Bucket list of a 15 year old

Post written by Suraj Shah.

Alice is a 15 year old with terminal cancer.

On her blog titled Alice’s Bucket List, she writes: “I’ve been fighting cancer for almost 4 years and now I know that the cancer is gaining on me and it doesn’t look like I’m going to win this one 🙁 I’m hoping to write in here as much as I can and I’m also going to show my bucket list which I’m trying to get done before I have to go. Hopefully, I’ll update as I tick each one.”

Alice has very much faced the fact that she may not be around for much longer. Her deteriorating health has already restricted her doing so much, but that still doesn’t stop her from writing out a list of all things she wants to do before she goes.

Such a brave young woman to recognise where she is at, what is likely to come, and what to do about it. Do take a look at Alice’s Bucket List, and see if there is something there that you could help cross off her list.

Whilst you’re there, consider writing your own list. What’s most important for you in your life? Where do you want to go? Why? Who do you want to meet? Why? What do you want to do? Why? Be sure to get to the why. Don’t miss out on the why. Get to the heart of why you want to do what is on your list. Align yourself with the core reason.

If you like, share some items from your list, and your ‘why’ in the comments below.

(Photo courtesy of Alice Pyne)