purpose – Page 2 – Live with loss

Forgive and let go

Written by Suraj Shah. Inspired by greatness.

One of the earliest emotions that recently bereaved people report feeling is anger. The perfect antidote to anger is forgiveness.

When you face the loss of a loved one, particularly when it’s a sudden loss, you may find yourself plagued with a whole host of emotions, ranging from shock and sadness through to anger or even relief.

Today we’ll look at anger, seeing if it’s a type that you recognise in yourself, notice what it is doing to you, and then explore ways in which to gradually let it pass.

Types of anger

Anger comes in many varieties, from mild dissatisfaction through to intense frustration, and is normally aimed towards someone.

anger at the criminal – the driver who caused the accident; the thug who mugged him in the street; the burgler who frightened him in his home.
anger at the medical team – the surgeon couldn’t save his life; the nurse did not take good enough care of him; the doctor didn’t pick it up sooner.
anger at the disease – breast cancer took yet another life in my dear family!
anger at the person who has died – he went and left me to look after this young family on my own.
anger at yourself – I should have been more caring and loving and now I won’t get a chance anymore…
anger at the almighty – how can God be so cruel to take him away from me before I was ready for it?

Clouded with the pain of grief, you may feel justified with this anger. But what’s it really doing to you?

Anger – the disease

Anger is the type of thing that grabs you by the throat, will turn your whole life upside down, pushing away all the things you hold so dearly in your life.

your health: Anger wrecks your health. It breaks down your immune system. It spreads through every cell in your body, shutting your body down bit by bit.
your relationships: Anger wrecks your relationships. It pushes away the people you care about and who sincerely care for you.
your career: Anger wrecks your work-life. It clouds your judgement and reduces the quality of your work.
your state of mind: Anger wrecks your mind. It places a heavy piercing weight on your head, making you feel like you’re drowning in the boiling ocean.

Tell me, is holding onto this anger worth it?

Some people I’ve spoken with during bereavement support visits report to not caring about the anger or the damage it’s doing. They say they don’t care about any of it because there is nothing more to live for.

But what if there was an antidote – something you could do to banish anger from your kingdom to lead a more calm and purposeful life – something really worth living for?

Forgiveness – the perfect antidote to anger

It turns out that there is such a cure to anger – one that will indeed bring about more lightness and clarity in your life. This antidote to anger is the quality of forgiveness.

To forgive means to let go.

Let go of this blame. Let go of this pain. Let go of this discontent.

The fact is that this world works in a way that we cannot always comprehend. Situations arise in our lives that don’t always make sense and tend to bring us more fear and sadness than happiness and peace.

These situations come about and attempt to destroy all that we have worked hard to accomplish. Our loved ones get taken away and our lives get flattened and sometimes it feels like there’s nothing that can explain it.

So we seek out an answer. We force ourselves to find some way to make sense of what feels like a tragedy taking place in our lives. We find people or situations to blame, thinking that somehow, just somehow, it will help to reduce our pain.

But you know what, perhaps now’s the time to take a step back and see it for what it is. Something totally out of your hands – the nature of the world around us.

You need to know that I do understand. The anger you’re feeling is completely understandable. Those around you, those who care about you, may notice this anger and will either run a mile or will attempt to convince you not to be angry. But it’s ok. By allowing yourself to let it pass, this feeling of anger will gradually fall away.

How to cultivate the practice of forgiveness

To bring about the quality of forgiveness in your life, gradually work through these steps, taking your time through the process.

Notice: Catch yourself when you’re feeling angry. Close your eyes, become still and watch that anger that has taken form within you. How big is it? What shape is it? What colour is it? How does it feel?
Write: Make a note of whenever you feel angry during the day. What trigger caused it to arise? How did you react to the situation? How did you feel about that reaction?
Resolve: Think about an alternative response to that situation. What could you do the next time this situation arises? You may not get it right for a while, but let the responses you feel are more appropriate develop within you over time.

This process of noticing, writing and resolving can be incredibly powerful as a daily exercise.

As you take some time for yourself each day to notice the strong feelings that arise within you, to familiarise yourself with them and acknowledge them by writing them down and then resolving to let anger go, you will start to feel a sense of lightness develop within you.

Really, there is no rush. Allow yourself to step from stage to stage, gradually lifting away your pain, your grief, your anguish.

Soon you will feel a sense of calm as you purposefully settle into a life of forgiveness.

Death at birth

Written by Suraj Shah. Inspired by greatness.

When someone dies at the age of 90 having lived a long and full life, it may be difficult to lose them, but not so hard to accept.

When someone dies in their 50s following a long-term struggle with cancer, it is certainly hard to see them go, but still kind of makes sense. It’s almost expected.

But for a child to die at birth – how do you reconcile that?

A friend recently shared about one lady she knows whose baby died during childbirth. Nine months of carrying a precious child inside her. Months of joy, of anticipation, of anxiety and of preparation. Weeks and weeks of talk about the ‘bump’ and plans for the child’s future.

And for what? To lose this delicate young person before he’s even had the chance to have a go at life. To make something of himself in this big badass world. To soak up the love of all those around him and in return contibute to the well-being of his community.

How could he be taken away within moments of making his grand entrance into this world? Before his personality could be etched into the hearts of those around him. Before he even had the chance to shine his first smile.

This is a sad story, one with a reminder, that our life could be over at any point in time. That any one of us could be here one moment and gone the next. That this precious human life is so delicate, that every second counts.

That child lived for a mere thirty seconds. You and I sharing these words right now, have lived a considerable amount of time longer. But that time too is running out.

Figure out what’s important to you to make this precious life worthwhile. Figure it out before that choice is no longer yours.

Sticking to that commitment

Written by Suraj Shah. Inspired by greatness.

Sticking to a commitment is important.

Until recently, I have been rubbish at sticking to my commitments. I’m still not all that great now, but am improving.

This morning I had a bereavement support visit planned for 11am. At 9.30am I looked outside the window, saw the snow falling and settling on the ground and reconsidered my half-hour walk each way.

After deliberating on it for a few minutes, I called the client, suggesting we postpone to the following week. I could immediately hear disappointment in his voice. He explained how he had psyched himself up for the session (it was our very first session), “but hey”, he said, “it’s not as bad as other things I’ve been through recently”. His wife had died a month earlier.

That sadness in his voice woke me up to my own selfish intentions… and melted them. I was so much more concerned about my own comforts that I had forgotten about his pain, his needs, his suffering.

I decided there and then that I would make sure I got to that session, come rain, shine or snow! Yes it was a half-hour trek in the snow, and yes I was frozen when I reached there, but the session was worth it. I placed someone else’s need above my own and it felt damn good.

Commitments are so important

Nomatter how crappy we may be feeling inside, we have no idea what impact not sticking to a commitment will have on the person we have promised to meet or do something for.

It could have gone so many ways. He may have given up hope in support from others. He may have got angry and complained to the organisation that I represent when making these visits. He may have drowned his sorrows (with alcohol) and hidden from the world.

On the flip side, it was an effective session for him and certainly a valuable experience for me.

What’s more, it shook me up to my priorities, what’s important to me and doing the work that’s important. I feel a great sense of purpose in bereavement support work and this morning’s deliberation not only made me act unprofessionally… it took away something that is so important in my life.

So when I took that leap and decided to make that trek in the snow to keep my commitment, all the right stuff fell back into place.

As time moves forward, make fewer commitments (focusing on the important ones) and then stick to each of them. The world will be better for it.