letting go – Live with loss

Written by Suraj Shah. Inspired by greatness.

One of the earliest emotions that recently bereaved people report feeling is anger. The perfect antidote to anger is forgiveness.

When you face the loss of a loved one, particularly when it’s a sudden loss, you may find yourself plagued with a whole host of emotions, ranging from shock and sadness through to anger or even relief.

Today we’ll look at anger, seeing if it’s a type that you recognise in yourself, notice what it is doing to you, and then explore ways in which to gradually let it pass.

Types of anger

Anger comes in many varieties, from mild dissatisfaction through to intense frustration, and is normally aimed towards someone.

anger at the criminal – the driver who caused the accident; the thug who mugged him in the street; the burgler who frightened him in his home.
anger at the medical team – the surgeon couldn’t save his life; the nurse did not take good enough care of him; the doctor didn’t pick it up sooner.
anger at the disease – breast cancer took yet another life in my dear family!
anger at the person who has died – he went and left me to look after this young family on my own.
anger at yourself – I should have been more caring and loving and now I won’t get a chance anymore…
anger at the almighty – how can God be so cruel to take him away from me before I was ready for it?

Clouded with the pain of grief, you may feel justified with this anger. But what’s it really doing to you?

Anger – the disease

Anger is the type of thing that grabs you by the throat, will turn your whole life upside down, pushing away all the things you hold so dearly in your life.

your health: Anger wrecks your health. It breaks down your immune system. It spreads through every cell in your body, shutting your body down bit by bit.
your relationships: Anger wrecks your relationships. It pushes away the people you care about and who sincerely care for you.
your career: Anger wrecks your work-life. It clouds your judgement and reduces the quality of your work.
your state of mind: Anger wrecks your mind. It places a heavy piercing weight on your head, making you feel like you’re drowning in the boiling ocean.

Tell me, is holding onto this anger worth it?

Some people I’ve spoken with during bereavement support visits report to not caring about the anger or the damage it’s doing. They say they don’t care about any of it because there is nothing more to live for.

But what if there was an antidote – something you could do to banish anger from your kingdom to lead a more calm and purposeful life – something really worth living for?

Forgiveness – the perfect antidote to anger

It turns out that there is such a cure to anger – one that will indeed bring about more lightness and clarity in your life. This antidote to anger is the quality of forgiveness.

To forgive means to let go.

Let go of this blame. Let go of this pain. Let go of this discontent.

The fact is that this world works in a way that we cannot always comprehend. Situations arise in our lives that don’t always make sense and tend to bring us more fear and sadness than happiness and peace.

These situations come about and attempt to destroy all that we have worked hard to accomplish. Our loved ones get taken away and our lives get flattened and sometimes it feels like there’s nothing that can explain it.

So we seek out an answer. We force ourselves to find some way to make sense of what feels like a tragedy taking place in our lives. We find people or situations to blame, thinking that somehow, just somehow, it will help to reduce our pain.

But you know what, perhaps now’s the time to take a step back and see it for what it is. Something totally out of your hands – the nature of the world around us.

You need to know that I do understand. The anger you’re feeling is completely understandable. Those around you, those who care about you, may notice this anger and will either run a mile or will attempt to convince you not to be angry. But it’s ok. By allowing yourself to let it pass, this feeling of anger will gradually fall away.

How to cultivate the practice of forgiveness

To bring about the quality of forgiveness in your life, gradually work through these steps, taking your time through the process.

Notice: Catch yourself when you’re feeling angry. Close your eyes, become still and watch that anger that has taken form within you. How big is it? What shape is it? What colour is it? How does it feel?
Write: Make a note of whenever you feel angry during the day. What trigger caused it to arise? How did you react to the situation? How did you feel about that reaction?
Resolve: Think about an alternative response to that situation. What could you do the next time this situation arises? You may not get it right for a while, but let the responses you feel are more appropriate develop within you over time.

This process of noticing, writing and resolving can be incredibly powerful as a daily exercise.

As you take some time for yourself each day to notice the strong feelings that arise within you, to familiarise yourself with them and acknowledge them by writing them down and then resolving to let anger go, you will start to feel a sense of lightness develop within you.

Really, there is no rush. Allow yourself to step from stage to stage, gradually lifting away your pain, your grief, your anguish.

Soon you will feel a sense of calm as you purposefully settle into a life of forgiveness.

Written by Suraj Shah, inspired by the enlightened.

When a loss is imminent, how do you let go?

A friend whose father was very ill had found a way to let go and face the reality of his father’s imminent death.

When I heard that his dad had passed away, I called but did not get through. So I left a voicemail expressing my condolences. Later, in a message he replied:

“… we did everything we could for dad but unfortunately it got to a stage where it was out of our hands. He passed peacefully and that’s all we could ask for.”

It must have taken great courage and strength to write those words. Within those words came a great realisation:

“…it was out of our hands.”

We think we’re in control

How much of what happens in our world is in our hands? How much can we control?

We think that we determine how other people behave and the situations that arise.

We think we can get people to do as we want.

We get happy when the sun shines and sad when the rain falls.
We get happy cruising in our shiny new car, but upset and angry over the tiniest scratch.
We are smitten by the cute new baby, but fall into depression when losing a loved one.
We are over the moon when we receive a compliment, but fiercely bitter when people fail to notice our greatest work.

So much of our day to day life is spent trying to control the people and the situations in the world around us.

We so desperately want things to go our way. When they don’t, we plead and we bully, we get angry and upset and we cry.

It’s out of our hands – we control nothing

The reality of life is that we control nothing.

My grandma used to say (in Gujarati):

“jeh thawanu hasse, ee thaasse”.

It loosely translates to:

“what is meant to happen, will”.

For years I would brush it off, thinking my grandma was nuts. What mumbo-jumbo! Of course I control my own destiny. Right? No so.

Turns out that since she passed on, I’ve come to realise just how right she was.

Things certainly do happen as they are meant to:

People come and go.
We land jobs and get fired, or made redundant, or just lose interest.
We fall in and out of love.
Others fall in and out of love with us.
Houses are built and fall down, or are demolished, or burned down.
Our health is great one moment, and the next we suffer with aches and pains and fevers.

Our life, our world, everything around us is so temperamental. So strange. So odd. How much do we really control?

Everything that happens is appropriate

In gujarati, there is another phrase:

“jeh thaay, teh yogya chhe”

It translates to:

“what happens, is appropriate”.

Based on our self-bound karma, situation arise. What we experience is a result of our own self-bound karma. What others experience is a result of their own self-bound karma.

The situation that arises is appropriate because it is a fruition of that previously-bound karma.

Although we make every effort to help others through a difficult time (which we should), only they have the power to get through the situation.

Just as nobody can truly take away something that we are meant to experience (that which is appropriate to what we have previously bound), in that way we are not able to take away something that another person is due to experience.

Illness is just a result of previously-bound karma arising at the appropriate time.

Death is nothing other than the ending of a karma that determined how long that particular lifespan would be. It is appropriate because that life-span-determining karma had arisen at the time of that person’s conception and had come to an end at the end of their life.

We can’t stop someone from getting ill, nor can we stop them from dying.

We can’t extract them from what they are experiencing, but we can offer strength through our love and support and practical help.

Everything that happens is good

My grandma also used the say (in gujarati):

“jeh thaay, ee saara maate thaay chhe”.

This loosely translates to:

“whatever is happening, is happening for the good”.

This one really used to confuse me. But grandmas, the wise old things that they are, have a terrific way of plantings seed within us that bloom when we most need them to.

Everything that happens is for the best.

Whatever we experience, or whatever our closest friends and family or indeed anybody in the world around us is going through, is as a result of karma that they themselves have bound.

This karma has to come to fruition, nomatter whether they want it to or not.

When an illness arises and passes, then that’s it — the karma has surfaced, and ran its course. Its a good thing. At least you are free from that karma! Of course there’s all the other previously bound karma that also has to run its course, but at least this one’s gone.

Whenever something happens, nomatter how much temporary pleasure or seemingly long-term pain it may bring you, stay calm and be happy that you are freeing yourself from that which is binding you.

We control nothing, yet we control everything

Even though we cannot control the situations that are facing us right now, we certainly have the power to dictate what comes up for us in the future.

This is done by the way in which we respond to situations.

When we see someone going through a lot of pain, if we get angry about not being able to do something about it, we bind more negative karma ourselves, which leads to negative situations arising for us in the future.

However, if we see the reality of that situation for what it is — that they have to endure the pain, then we can calmly and appropriately support that person the best way we can, without getting emotionally attached to the outcome.

By remaining detached and maintaining calm, we minimise trapping ourselves in troubling situations. That, and being happy right now that we are letting whatever is happening right now run its course. 🙂

Letting go, but feeling great!

We think we control everything. But we don’t and that’s ok. What is meant to happen, will happen. What happens, is appropriate. Whatever is happening, is for the best.

Stay calm, respond appropriately, and be happy!

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Forgive and let go