Friendship – Page 3 – Live with loss

Reach out and lighten the load

Written by Suraj Shah. Inspired by greatness.

Struggling to breathe and overwhelmed by all there is to do today? Reach out – it’ll make sense once you’ve done it.

This morning my car wouldn’t start, so I called the recovery company who sent someone round to start it up for me. I got to work just fine, but turns out that it wouldn’t start again. So in the midst of trying to get the day’s work done, I started feeling the heavy burden of having to find a garage and arranging for my car to get there and for me to get home.

It then dawned on me that I don’t need to deal with this on my own. My colleague was prepared to drive me to the store to pick up jump cables or a new battery if needed. My wife was on the end of the phone, happy to ring round and find a garage.

So why the burden of having to deal with it alone?

I got consumed by my ego of wanting to deal with it myself and get the job ‘done right’. I was suffering (in advance!) at the thought of paying for new parts and work required to the car.

But this was silly – it needed to be done, regardless of how I felt about it.

So I sent my wife a message and reached out to her for help. And she delivered. She enquired about local garages and sent me a narrowed-down list, leaving me with an easy choice. I called up the garage, arranged for my car to be towed there this afternoon, and got on with the work I needed to do today.

The car hasn’t been fixed yet, but I feel better already. I told Heena how grateful I am of her quick response and now she feels wonderful too.

Whatever heaviness you may be feeling right now, think about what needs to get done (ask yourself whether it really does need to get done), then consider who you can reach out to help you and contact them.

It’ll lighten your load and will help them feel great too.

Finally remember – the people around you care for you massively – they won’t let you fail.

The carer’s role

Written by Suraj Shah. Inspired by greatness.

Have you lost someone who depended on you for their well being?

Some people in life are natural carers. They behave towards others with great respect, care and love.

Others are faced with a situation where they are forced to be a carer for someone who needs their support, fulfiling their duty the best way they can.

I believe you’re the second type, gradually becoming the first.

The care giver

You may be the husband, who looked after his wife right through to the day she died.

You may be the father, whose daugher married into a family that lives far away.

You may be the mother who waved goodbye to her son who has left home for university.

Whatever your role, you are a carer, a care giver, the giver of love and support and comfort.

Preparing for goodbye

As the husband with the severely ill wife, you may welcome her death, thinking that it may stop her suffering. With no prospect of a cure, you may have adjusted to the idea of your dear wife dying.

As the father whose daugher is about to be married, you may welcome her departure, understanding that she needs to start her own family.

As the mother whose son is about to leave home to start university, you may welcome his progression, realising that he needs to study and commence his career.

Whatever your role, you are a carer, a care giver, the giver of love and support and comfort.

Feelings of loss

When we care for others and the time comes for them to depart, it creates an inevitable vacuum in our lives.

We may feel bewildered or guilty or dislocated.

We may feel lost and confused and hurt.

With their loss, we may feel that we have lost our role in life. But does it mean we’re no longer a carer?

Continuing to care

Whatever the loss, the caring need not stop.

Find someone, something, anything to pour your love into.

Find someone to care for, mend a broken heart.

The pain of loss gets a little softer, the warmth of your presence expands.

Gain from loss

Written by Suraj Shah. Inspired by greatness.

What do you gain when you have lost?

A man in his early-50s was sitting in the pub talking with his friends over a drink. One friend asked him how he felt now that his daughter had married and left home.

The man’s face lit up with a broad smile and proclaimed:

“I may have lost a daughter, but I’ve gained a bathroom!”

When we lose something that is very dear to us, it may feel natural to wallow in the sadness of that loss. But shifting our perspective to what we have gained from that loss may be all it takes to feel great.

The inevitability of loss

Over the years, things come into our life, and they vanish. People enter our life and they move on. Situations arise in life, and they cease. All this is natural.

Yet, when something or someone we hold dearly is no longer around, we are filled with a whole set of emotions ranging from bursts of anger, to teary sadness, through to relief.

Losing a job may raise worries about how you will be able to afford to pay the bills.
Losing a car as a result of an accident may take you longer to commute each day without the car.
Losing an argument may make you angry and bitter.
Losing a husband or wife may make you feel lonely and find it hard to take care of day-to-day tasks.
Losing a child who goes off to university may make the house feel empty and far too quiet.

So what is there to gain from any particular type of loss?

Gaining from loss

It is not often easy to see at first what can be gained from a loss of some sort, but is certainly worth exploring.

When you lose a job, perhaps you have the opportunity to explore an alternative career path.
When you lose your car, perhaps you discover a love for walking everywhere.
When you lose an argument, perhaps you develop the art of humility and care towards others.
When you lose a child who goes off to university, perhaps you delve into a new hobby that enriches your life.
When you lose a loved one, perhaps you gain independence and have the opportunity to develop self-sufficiency.

It is often said that when one door closes, another one opens. What door is opening for you at a time of loss?

Gaining the ultimate from any kind of loss

Beyond what you think you may gain from a loss, there is one thing you gain that is certain. The loss keeps reinforcing within you the reality that all things, whether good or bad, must come to an end.

By knowing this at the onset of any activity you undertake, or before welcoming any person into your life, it makes the separation that much easier at the time when they naturally have to go.

This is the art of detachment, something that you can cultivate through the various losses that you naturally go through in life.

But you needn’t wait till a significant loss to develop detachment. Through daily contemplation and introspection, it is possible to let go, even before something has arrived in your life.

As a result of detachment from desires and aversions, turbulence in life settles down. As detachment increases, each day feels calmer and calmer.

What do you get to gain when you have lost? Share your thoughts on what you gain from loss at Google+