Upon losing someone, do you feel there’s no-one you can talk to?
Even with loads of people around who try hard to make sure you’re not left on your own, it’s still so easy to feel alone. But there is a way through it.
A new reader of Live with loss had been struggling with her father’s death for over two years.
She recently wrote to me:
“I feel alone and stranded in that no one around me wants to talk about it. Many times I’ve restrained myself because people around me would either be uncomfortable or not ready to talk about loss or grieving.”
I think many of us have felt this at one time or another — whether someone close to us has died, or we’ve lost them in some other way.
Even with many caring people around, we feel completely stranded because it feels we can’t depend on them to give us what we need.
The people around us
These people — our family, our friends, our colleagues and our neighbours — may think they know what we need. But mostly, they don’t. They may want the best for us, but they tend to arrive ill equipped.
Some don’t really know what to do, so they send a small note and leave us alone. Some don’t bother to contact at all.
Some are so caught up in their own lives that they don’t notice we need their support.
Some get so distracted retelling their own tragic stories or updating us about other people who have died, that they completely forget about us!
Some even have their own agendas in making sure we’re “fit to work” again, so they do what they can to rush us back into a normal happy state.
Mostly, the people around us are not comfortable talking about death or loss — they may say it’s too morbid, but perhaps they are a little scared of facing up to the topic themselves. Go easy on them.
Be aware of all these types of people and let them carry on (because we can’t ever really change someone else), while you facilitate your own ‘getting back to normal’.
It takes time, care and compassion. Most of all, it takes love. Expectation-free love.
All we need when we’ve lost
The simple truth is that following a loss, all we need is:
- Someone to sit with us, face to face.
- Someone to spend time with us, when we’re ready.
- Someone to ask the right questions.
- Someone to listen, to truly listen.
- Someone to not tell us about their own tragic stories!
When we lose someone that we are close to, it is often hard to make sense of it. The one thing we want above anything else is to have someone to talk to.
Someone to openly talk with, someone who will just listen, who can prepare a welcoming space in which we can breathe and think more clearly.
Reaching out for bereavement support
We may not realise that near our homes and within our neighbourhoods are people trained to support us during times when we feel stranded.
Some are specifically trained to offer bereavement support — to sit and listen to us and help us regain our strength.
These people can be found in:
- local community centres
- places of worship
- hospitals and hospices
- the local phone directory
- web searches
Some services are offered by volunteers completely free of charge. Others charge a fee (although many of those are means-tested, which allow you to ‘pay based on your earnings’).
However, if you live in a remote part of the world where a face-to-face visit is not possible, there may be other options:
- telephone based bereavement support
- email based bereavement support
- web video based bereavement support
If you are feeling alone and stranded following the loss of a loved one, I do hope you find the comfort you are looking for through the above.
Your own bereavement support resources
Have you come across other resources that have helped you or others you know?
On Google+, share your grief and bereavement support resources as well as your own thoughts on the above.