Getting grief and bereavement support

Written by Suraj Shah, inspired by greatness.

Upon losing someone, do you feel there’s no-one you can talk to?

Even with loads of people around who try hard to make sure you’re not left on your own, it’s still so easy to feel alone. But there is a way through it.

A new reader of Live with loss had been struggling with her father’s death for over two years.

She recently wrote to me:

“I feel alone and stranded in that no one around me wants to talk about it. Many times I’ve restrained myself because people around me would either be uncomfortable or not ready to talk about loss or grieving.”

I think many of us have felt this at one time or another — whether someone close to us has died, or we’ve lost them in some other way.

Even with many caring people around, we feel completely stranded because it feels we can’t depend on them to give us what we need.

The people around us

These people — our family, our friends, our colleagues and our neighbours — may think they know what we need. But mostly, they don’t. They may want the best for us, but they tend to arrive ill equipped.

Some don’t really know what to do, so they send a small note and leave us alone. Some don’t bother to contact at all.

Some are so caught up in their own lives that they don’t notice we need their support.

Some get so distracted retelling their own tragic stories or updating us about other people who have died, that they completely forget about us!

Some even have their own agendas in making sure we’re “fit to work” again, so they do what they can to rush us back into a normal happy state.

Mostly, the people around us are not comfortable talking about death or loss — they may say it’s too morbid, but perhaps they are a little scared of facing up to the topic themselves.  Go easy on them.

Be aware of all these types of people and let them carry on (because we can’t ever really change someone else), while you facilitate your own ‘getting back to normal’.

It takes time, care and compassion.  Most of all, it takes love. Expectation-free love.

All we need when we’ve lost

The simple truth is that following a loss, all we need is:

  • Someone to sit with us, face to face.
  • Someone to spend time with us, when we’re ready.
  • Someone to ask the right questions.
  • Someone to listen, to truly listen.
  • Someone to not tell us about their own tragic stories!

When we lose someone that we are close to, it is often hard to make sense of it.  The one thing we want above anything else is to have someone to talk to.

Someone to openly talk with, someone who will just listen, who can prepare a welcoming space in which we can breathe and think more clearly.

Reaching out for bereavement support

We may not realise that near our homes and within our neighbourhoods are people trained to support us during times when we feel stranded.

Some are specifically trained to offer bereavement support — to sit and listen to us and help us regain our strength.

These people can be found in:

  • local community centres
  • places of worship
  • hospitals and hospices
  • the local phone directory
  • web searches

Some services are offered by volunteers completely free of charge. Others charge a fee (although many of those are means-tested, which allow you to ‘pay based on your earnings’).

However, if you live in a remote part of the world where a face-to-face visit is not possible, there may be other options:

  • telephone based bereavement support
  • email based bereavement support
  • web video based bereavement support

If you are feeling alone and stranded following the loss of a loved one, I do hope you find the comfort you are looking for through the above.

Your own bereavement support resources

Have you come across other resources that have helped you or others you know?

On Google+, share your grief and bereavement support resources as well as your own thoughts on the above.

Paying your respects at the community prayer meeting

Post written by Suraj Shah.

Have you attended a prayer meeting recently to pay your respects when someone in the community has passed away?

When someone passes away, certain community groups have a set day or evening when members of the community can come together and attend a prayer meeting (sometimes referred to as a sadadi or prarthna sabha) to pay their respects.

During the prayer meeting, there is an opportunity to pay condolences to the close friends and relations of the deceased and then to sit in silence and listen to devotional singing.

Paying “dis-respect”  🙁

Sadly, not all those who attend this prayer meeting appreciate the importance of remaining silent. They will use it as an opportunity to catch up with distant family and old friends, and carry out conversations about cricket scores, business activity and boasting about their children’s graduation and getting a top city job.

I get the feeling that they feel forced having to attend the event, are bored, and are looking for anything that will be a distraction to their boredom.

All the while, the close family and friends of the deceased are grieving and confused, and deeply hurt that the other community members cannot respectfully maintain silence, even for just a couple of hours.

How would you feel if your father passed away and there was a lot of mindless chatter taking place in the hall? I’d certainly feel hurt and disrespected.

From dis-respect to introspect

Prayer meetings are in fact an excellent opportunity to introspect and enhance your compassion.

The next time you attend a community prayer meeting to pay your respects, here are seven tips to help you and those around you to remain respectful while taking some time for your own self-growth.

Tip #1: Remember the person who has passed away

When I was in my early 20s, one of my closest childhood friends died in a car accident. This was clearly a shock, but during the funeral I was remembering my friend’s caring nature and adventurous antics. I even laughed a little when the song “don’t worry, be happy” was playing in the crematorium – a fun reminder of his chilled-out nature.

If you personally knew the person who passed away, take the time to recollect the fondest memories you have of them.

  • How did they talk?
  • How did they act?
  • What was their main message in life?
  • What can you learn from their life and apply into yours?

Tip #2: Remember someone who has passed away that you were close to

When I attended my wife’s mother’s sister’s husband’s mother’s prayer meeting, I didn’t know the lady. But as this was my wife’s cousin’s grandmother (who I didn’t know) that passed away, I simply remembered my own nanima (grandmother).

I remembered how nanima used to listen to us with love. I remembered how she used to make delicious snacks for us. I remembered how she used to make us do the household chores and how she always got her way but got away with it because of how much we all adored her.

  • If you did not personally know the person that passed away, what do you remember about someone you did know?
  • If it’s your friend’s grandmother who passed away, then what fond memories do you have of your own grandmother?

Tip #3: Contemplate on the temporary nature and meaning of your own life

  • What is your own life about?
  • Do you really know how much time you have left?
  • What are you spending your time and energy on?
  • Is what you do going to bring you long term results?
  • What are you sacrificing due to your current activity?
  • What will happen to your body over the coming years and decades?
  • How will old age affect you?
  • How will disease affect you?
  • What provisions are you making for the time when you will no longer be around?

Tip #4: Recite a mantra over and over again in your head

One of my all time favourite mantras is the Navkar Mantra from the timeless Jain tradition.  It helps to calm the constant chatter that is taking place in my mind and it helps me to focus my thoughts on the qualities of those who have made huge strides in improving their spiritual state.

Navkar mantra

Om namo Arihantanam
Om namo Siddhanam
Om namo Aiyanianam
Om namo Uvajjayanam
Namo loye savve Sahunam
Eso pancho nammo karo
Savva pavo parnasano
Mangalanamcha savve siim
Padhamam havvai mangalam

In essence, with this mantra, I focus in on the qualities of:

  1. the Arihanta – those who have shone the light on how to rise above the mundane circumstances of everyday life and therefore to attain the state of abundant, infinite, eternal bliss.
  2. the Siddha – those who have done the immense work of freeing themselves from the shackles of karma, and all they now experience is a peak abundant state of bliss, knowledge, energy and consciousness.
  3. the Acharya – the heads of the spiritual organisations who, with great compassion, are helping masses of people to walk the path towards eternal peace and happiness.
  4. the Upadhyaya – the spiritual scholars who are making available the literature from the spiritual leaders of the past, for the benefit of the wider population.
  5. the Sadhus – the monks and nuns who are diligently putting into practice the lessons taught by all the above.

Reciting the above 9 lines over and over again has helped me in many situations where I have needed to be relaxed, centred and focus in on what matters the most.

Do you have a mantra that helps you calm your mind and focus your thoughts on what is important?

Tip #5: Immerse in the devotional music being played

Sometimes there is a lone person singing or there is a whole group performing.  Other times there is a CD or tape being played.

Whatever the source of the music, immerse in the music being played.  Listen in to the words and their deeper meaning.  Try to capture the emotion expressed by the performers.   Sing along if appropriate.  Do whatever it takes to fill your heart with bhakti bhaav (a deep devotional feeling).  I promise you – when you are so immersed in the music, those around you will start to align to it too.

Tip #6: Lend a hand – help with the logistics

When the family is grieving, sometimes things get forgotten. This is the time to jump in and lend a hand.

  • Can you help with setting up or putting away the chairs?
  • Can you help the musicians get set up?
  • Can you source tissues, drinking water and glasses?
  • Can you organise a couple of people to help pour water into glasses and take it round for the close family?
  • Could you help to direct the crowd and pause the line when speeches are being given, eulogies are being read, and main prayers being recited?

Tip #7: Help those around you to remain respectful too

Granted, this one takes a little practice, but when done right, this can add a lot of value to everyone in the room.

When the person next to you starts up a conversation with you, gently glance at them, smile softly, and don’t say a word.  They may keep trying to talk to you, but hopefully they will catch on to your subtle message.

When people are having a full-blown conversation behind you, turn around, gently say hi and then ask “Please remind me – why are we here today?  Do we have to talk in this room, or can we have respect for the family and sit in silence?”

Done with the right intention, they will hopefully get the message without you causing them any embarrassment.

If all else fails, go back to Tip #5, immerse yourself in the devotional music and sing along with bhakti bhaav in your heart.

What can you add?

Which of these activities do you take part in during prayer meetings and how do they work out for you? What can you add that would provide inspiration to us all, help improve our behaviour, and further enhance our compassion towards those who are grieving?