Calm inducing rituals

Written by Suraj Shah.

Soon after the death of a loved one, emotions are all over the place.

There is so much to organise. Relatives fly in from around the world. Family and friends call up and come round to support, arriving early and staying till late.

During such a delicate time, close family members experiencing the loss need something to help bring calm to the madness.

Calm during chaos

In the timeless Jain tradition, we have one such method to bring about calm at a time of chaos.

Within a day or so of the death, we hold a prayer meeting. Distant family and friends of the bereaved and other members of the community congregate in a hall, giving them the chance to offer their condolences to the family.

What I value the most during these two hour sessions are the songs that are sung. These “vairagya na stavano” are songs from the Jain and other Indian traditions that bring about detachment.

What is detachment and why is it important at a time of loss?

In our day to day lives, we spend so much time indulging in objects of the senses, constantly being seduced by the desires of our body and its constant demands.

We succumb to likes and dislikes in pretty much everything we do.  These attractions and aversions bring about damaging emotions of anger, greed, ego and deceit.

When we lose someone that we like so much it is easy to fall into a sorrowful and bitter state – but there is a way to rise above it.

Detachment cultivates freedom from attractions (likes) and aversions (dislikes).

Songs that help bring about detachment, the “vairagya na stavano”, result in calm and clarity in our lives.

These songs paint a compassionate picture of how:

  1. The soul is separate from the body.
  2. Even though the body is momentary, the true self (soul) lives forever.
  3. Nothing we do can change someone else’s destiny.
  4. Nothing we do can change our own current situation.
  5. We have great power to influence our own future experiences.
  6. We have great power to remain calm no matter what we are experiencing right now.
  7. There are those who are completely liberated from suffering.
  8. There are those who are in a state of abundant, infinite and eternal bliss.
  9. Those liberated souls presently in a state of eternal bliss have left a path for us to attain it too.
  10. Having faith in words of these wonderfully compassionate souls and patiently treading the path they have shared will bring about great calm and clarity in our lives.

At a time of sorrow and chaos, attaining a sense of calm seems fairly straightforward.

In your faith, tradition or community, what calm inducing rituals do you take part in?

Paying your respects at the community prayer meeting

Post written by Suraj Shah.

Have you attended a prayer meeting recently to pay your respects when someone in the community has passed away?

When someone passes away, certain community groups have a set day or evening when members of the community can come together and attend a prayer meeting (sometimes referred to as a sadadi or prarthna sabha) to pay their respects.

During the prayer meeting, there is an opportunity to pay condolences to the close friends and relations of the deceased and then to sit in silence and listen to devotional singing.

Paying “dis-respect”  🙁

Sadly, not all those who attend this prayer meeting appreciate the importance of remaining silent. They will use it as an opportunity to catch up with distant family and old friends, and carry out conversations about cricket scores, business activity and boasting about their children’s graduation and getting a top city job.

I get the feeling that they feel forced having to attend the event, are bored, and are looking for anything that will be a distraction to their boredom.

All the while, the close family and friends of the deceased are grieving and confused, and deeply hurt that the other community members cannot respectfully maintain silence, even for just a couple of hours.

How would you feel if your father passed away and there was a lot of mindless chatter taking place in the hall? I’d certainly feel hurt and disrespected.

From dis-respect to introspect

Prayer meetings are in fact an excellent opportunity to introspect and enhance your compassion.

The next time you attend a community prayer meeting to pay your respects, here are seven tips to help you and those around you to remain respectful while taking some time for your own self-growth.

Tip #1: Remember the person who has passed away

When I was in my early 20s, one of my closest childhood friends died in a car accident. This was clearly a shock, but during the funeral I was remembering my friend’s caring nature and adventurous antics. I even laughed a little when the song “don’t worry, be happy” was playing in the crematorium – a fun reminder of his chilled-out nature.

If you personally knew the person who passed away, take the time to recollect the fondest memories you have of them.

  • How did they talk?
  • How did they act?
  • What was their main message in life?
  • What can you learn from their life and apply into yours?

Tip #2: Remember someone who has passed away that you were close to

When I attended my wife’s mother’s sister’s husband’s mother’s prayer meeting, I didn’t know the lady. But as this was my wife’s cousin’s grandmother (who I didn’t know) that passed away, I simply remembered my own nanima (grandmother).

I remembered how nanima used to listen to us with love. I remembered how she used to make delicious snacks for us. I remembered how she used to make us do the household chores and how she always got her way but got away with it because of how much we all adored her.

  • If you did not personally know the person that passed away, what do you remember about someone you did know?
  • If it’s your friend’s grandmother who passed away, then what fond memories do you have of your own grandmother?

Tip #3: Contemplate on the temporary nature and meaning of your own life

  • What is your own life about?
  • Do you really know how much time you have left?
  • What are you spending your time and energy on?
  • Is what you do going to bring you long term results?
  • What are you sacrificing due to your current activity?
  • What will happen to your body over the coming years and decades?
  • How will old age affect you?
  • How will disease affect you?
  • What provisions are you making for the time when you will no longer be around?

Tip #4: Recite a mantra over and over again in your head

One of my all time favourite mantras is the Navkar Mantra from the timeless Jain tradition.  It helps to calm the constant chatter that is taking place in my mind and it helps me to focus my thoughts on the qualities of those who have made huge strides in improving their spiritual state.

Navkar mantra

Om namo Arihantanam
Om namo Siddhanam
Om namo Aiyanianam
Om namo Uvajjayanam
Namo loye savve Sahunam
Eso pancho nammo karo
Savva pavo parnasano
Mangalanamcha savve siim
Padhamam havvai mangalam

In essence, with this mantra, I focus in on the qualities of:

  1. the Arihanta – those who have shone the light on how to rise above the mundane circumstances of everyday life and therefore to attain the state of abundant, infinite, eternal bliss.
  2. the Siddha – those who have done the immense work of freeing themselves from the shackles of karma, and all they now experience is a peak abundant state of bliss, knowledge, energy and consciousness.
  3. the Acharya – the heads of the spiritual organisations who, with great compassion, are helping masses of people to walk the path towards eternal peace and happiness.
  4. the Upadhyaya – the spiritual scholars who are making available the literature from the spiritual leaders of the past, for the benefit of the wider population.
  5. the Sadhus – the monks and nuns who are diligently putting into practice the lessons taught by all the above.

Reciting the above 9 lines over and over again has helped me in many situations where I have needed to be relaxed, centred and focus in on what matters the most.

Do you have a mantra that helps you calm your mind and focus your thoughts on what is important?

Tip #5: Immerse in the devotional music being played

Sometimes there is a lone person singing or there is a whole group performing.  Other times there is a CD or tape being played.

Whatever the source of the music, immerse in the music being played.  Listen in to the words and their deeper meaning.  Try to capture the emotion expressed by the performers.   Sing along if appropriate.  Do whatever it takes to fill your heart with bhakti bhaav (a deep devotional feeling).  I promise you – when you are so immersed in the music, those around you will start to align to it too.

Tip #6: Lend a hand – help with the logistics

When the family is grieving, sometimes things get forgotten. This is the time to jump in and lend a hand.

  • Can you help with setting up or putting away the chairs?
  • Can you help the musicians get set up?
  • Can you source tissues, drinking water and glasses?
  • Can you organise a couple of people to help pour water into glasses and take it round for the close family?
  • Could you help to direct the crowd and pause the line when speeches are being given, eulogies are being read, and main prayers being recited?

Tip #7: Help those around you to remain respectful too

Granted, this one takes a little practice, but when done right, this can add a lot of value to everyone in the room.

When the person next to you starts up a conversation with you, gently glance at them, smile softly, and don’t say a word.  They may keep trying to talk to you, but hopefully they will catch on to your subtle message.

When people are having a full-blown conversation behind you, turn around, gently say hi and then ask “Please remind me – why are we here today?  Do we have to talk in this room, or can we have respect for the family and sit in silence?”

Done with the right intention, they will hopefully get the message without you causing them any embarrassment.

If all else fails, go back to Tip #5, immerse yourself in the devotional music and sing along with bhakti bhaav in your heart.

What can you add?

Which of these activities do you take part in during prayer meetings and how do they work out for you? What can you add that would provide inspiration to us all, help improve our behaviour, and further enhance our compassion towards those who are grieving?

How To Overcome Grief When A Friend Passes Away

Post written by Suraj Shah.

Have you recently experienced the loss of a close friend?

Friends come and go in our life. Some of the best ones stick around for a very long time, particularly when life becomes difficult and they are around to help us see through the toughest of times.

However, when a person dies, society’s belief is that the immediate family constitute the rightful mourners, and only they are deserving of condolences and support. Unfortunately, this means that friends of the deceased are generally forgotten about.

When a close friend dies and you have been forgotten, what can you do about it?

1. Attend the public mourning service

By attending the mourning service, such as a funeral, wake or prayer meeting, you get a chance to pay your last respects, along with many of the other people that your friend knew.

2. Participate in the family’s mourning

You may also have the opportunity to visit the home where your friend lived and spend time with the family, supporting them at home with any chores, or being around to lend a compassionate ear. They may even ask you to take on a role to replace an absent family member (such as being one of the pallbearers at the funeral).

3. Organise your own memorial service with other friends

In case you didn’t find out about the death till it was too late and missed the funeral, hold your own memorial service to honour your friend’s passing. By involving other participants, you have a wonderful opportunity to find out more about your friend’s life and discover ways to support others who are grieving the loss.

Remember your friend, embrace their qualities

Even though not everyone will understand how important your friendship was, do take the time to reflect on magic moments  you shared together and your friend’s qualities that you can embrace and carry forward into your everyday life.