Love overcomes loss

Written by Suraj Shah.

We know that love is extraordinary.

We know love has the power to build bridges and break barriers.

We know that love can bring rise to our greatest qualities while conquering our most stubborn enemies.

We know that love has the power to deliver freedom from pain and bring about eternal happiness.

So how does love do all this, and how can we strengthen it in our lives?

I love you, and I’m thankful for you

In a Zen Habits post, Leo Babauta writes about a powerful algorithm for happiness.

He suggests using the phrase “I love you, and I’m thankful for you” in our day to day relationships.

Leo writes:

Look at each person you pass or encounter today, and think to yourself (as if you’re talking to the person you’re looking at), “I love you, and I’m thankful for you.” Try to say it with feeling. Mean it! Even to those you pass on the street, in the elevator, while you’re driving (you might only see them for a split second, from a distance).

When I applied it, I discovered that love transformed tense situations into calm and generous relationships. I found that I felt better, I felt real, I felt like I could move forward with my day.

This phrase works when we are experiencing the loss of a loved one. When someone we love is no longer around, feelings of sadness, anger and guilt come about in us. Often, great stress is placed on our closest relationships. Through our oscillating emotions, we push away the very people we need during delicate moments in life.

But by thinking “I love you, and I’m thankful for you” and truly meaning it, you will find that it drastically transforms tense relationships into ones of care and support.

Here’s what love does for us…

Love enhances the feeling of friendship

When you love someone, it brings about a feeling of care for their well-being.

You want them to come to no harm.

You want them to grow and discover their true selves. You are supportive of their decisions and you help them up nomatter how many times they may fall.

Love enables appreciation

When you love someone, when you are thankful for them, you discover and magnify their qualities. You feel great joy at observing what is great about them.

These same qualities that you observe in them start to grow in you.

The more you see them from a positive perspective, the more you benefit from the development of these qualities in your own life.

Love grows compassion

When you love someone, you want to protect them from fear and pain. You want to do whatever is in your power to shelter them from the harmful forces of the world.

Of course, you can only give to someone when you have it to give in the first place.

So it reminds you of the gifts you hold within you. It reminds you of the greatness you possess within you that can help someone else through a hard time.

Love tolerates through equanimity

When you love someone, you are willing to embrace them completely. You patiently listen to what they say, nomatter how they say it, and you simply observe their actions.

Free from expectation or frustration, you tolerate their every expression, and realise that they are not all too different from you.

Like you, they want love. Like you, they want to be heard, to be understood, to be cared for.

So looking at them with eyes of love communicates just that – you love them and you care for them, and nothing else matters.

Apply love in every interaction, every day

When you lose someone you are fond of, it can be very difficult for you and the people who want to support you through this loss. But what helps make it smoother is thinking and feeling “I love you, and I’m thankful for you” in your everyday interactions.

In relationships with those who are still around you, realise that the love that you possess at this delicate time can bring about deeper friendships, appreciation for the qualities of others, wider compassion for those who would benefit from your support, and great calmness through tolerance and equanimity.

When you lose someone, do something about it. Love those who are still around you. It will help you lead a calm and purposeful life.

Orin Lewis on focusing the mind rather than worrying about loss

Written by Suraj Shah. Conversation with Orin Lewis.

He was bold to shush them, all 3,500 Boyz II Men fans in a fairly-packed Brixton Academy, all waiting eagerly for the concert to start. Before the main act, Orin got up with his bucket and banner.  From the stage, with grace and strength, he told the story that brought the audience to stillness.

Orin Lewis, co-founder and Chief Executive of ACLT, gave a brief but impactful message about what the black and asian community can do to save and enhance the lives of family and friends affected by leukaemia and related blood conditions.

Together with Beverley De-Gale, he had worked tirelessly to find a suitable bone marrow donor for his step-son Daniel De-Gale.

After many years of holding onto hope and faith, they found a donor for a bone marrow transplant that enabled Daniel to live a full and fruitful life including successfully passing his exams at school and University.

“Focus the mind on what needs to be done. Rather than worrying and worrying and turning into a dark corner, come out with a positive attitude.”
– Orin Lewis

Daniel was in full remission and free of Cancer, but due to complications with his health that led to multiple organ failure, he died aged 21, nine years following the transplant.

In this conversation with Orin, we learn about the inner journey that he took, from initially finding out about Daniel’s condition and the rare chance of finding a donor, to successfully finding a donor and making the transplant happen, through to losing Daniel 9 years later, and now several years on, continuing his work, leading a calm and purposeful life.

When Daniel was diagnosed with leukaemia, what fears arose in you, and how did you overcome them?

Orin: It all started when 6-year-old Daniel developed flu-like symptoms. He was taken to hospital three times where he was prescribed Paracetemol. But Daniel continued to complain of aches and pains in his legs, raised glands and bruising on his body.  Beverley took him back to the hospital and insisted they carry out further tests.

Finally on the 7th April 1993 when after numerous misdiagnosis by various experts his numerous debilitating physical ailments were finally correctly diagnosed the tests finally revealed that Daniel was suffering from ALL (Acute Lymphoblastic Leukaemia) which is the most common form of Leukaemia in children.

Daniel was admitted to Great Ormond Street Hospital where he had a Bone Marrow check to determine how severe it was. The hospital said that if another week had elapsed that he probably would have died because the leukaemia cells had infiltrated his blood and bone marrow system very severely.

We were all in a state of complete shock and disbelief and were very fearful of the next stage. But we were told that about 70% of children can be completely cured after five years of intensive treatment.

I am old enough to remember watching the huge TV appeal in the early 1970’s for little Anthony Nolan, who desperately needed a matching Bone Marrow donor. Sadly he never found one and his mother started the world’s first Registry for unrelated donors to be tested for patients in need.

So when Daniel relapsed 9 months after finishing his 2 year cycle of Chemotherapy, we knew that the clock was ticking and time was against him finding a matching unrelated donor (since his younger sister, Dominique was not a match).

The odds of Daniel finding a donor was over 1 in 100,000 due to the lack of Black or Mixed Race donors, whereas if he was White it would be at best closer to 1 in 4 due to the large amount of white donors registered. Hence why the charity was formed.

Our lives had adjusted to his long battle against Leukaemia and dealing with the harshness of his Chemotherapy treatment and now we were thrown into this new world of searching for a life saving donor, whilst he started another 2 year cycle of treatment.

The ultimate fear now was that his body would not be strong enough and that we would run out of time searching and raising the much needed awareness in the UK and abroad via our newly formed charity, the ACLT.

We utilised the old Malcolm X positive statement of “By any means Necessary” as our motto for inspiring and motivating ourselves in relation to staying focused on the aim and objective of what we knew would be a potentially long journey into the unknown.

Also the very strong bond of love for each other as partners and parents gave us the fuel to take on and try to understand what was happening. We always knew there had to be “a method to this madness” that Daniel had to live through and we generally felt that from a negative situation a positive solution would eventually result.

For 9 years, Daniel led a full and fruitful life after the transplant, but then he passed away. What emotions presented themselves in you and how did you manage to rise above them?

Orin: Visually watching my son lose his fight to live in the Intensive Care Unit will ultimately always be the saddest and most disturbing day of my life. I saw the traumatic effect it had on Beverley and those closest to him.

Yet at the same time I knew that I had to be visibly strong in mind, body and soul for everyone especially Beverley and my step-daughter Dominique.

It was not easy but I had a feeling of calmness around me based upon what I believed Daniel would want me to do if he was physically around. Because he was always the one who could calm things down and get reason to break out of a dispute.

I always have and continue getting a lot of my “reality checks” from being around and observing Beverley and Daniel and it has truly had a positive effect upon my natural dour persona.

What impact did losing Daniel have on the purpose of your work?

Orin: The legacy of my step-son, the late great Daniel De-Gale, has been to increase even more the need for Black, Mixed Race and Asian people to hear, see and feel our messaging about stepping forward sooner rather than later as Bone Marrow, Blood and Organ donors.

BME people realize that his transplant was a success, but did not know that in later years due to unrelated health issues Daniel became heavily dependent upon receiving weekly blood transfusions from White people with the same blood group (Luckily blood groups are generally not as race specific as a bone marrow or organ donation, and not enough Black or Asian people are donating blood or carrying organ donor cards).

What is your source of strength for maintaining calm in your day-to-day life?

Orin: Beverley De-Gale (my Soul Mate) and also Dominique, my 2 sons Lutalo and Jelani and finally the groundbreaking and life saving work of our small charity, the ACLT where we have raised the BME donor numbers from approx. 580 to over 37,000 and found over 30 matching and life saving donors.

I feed off the energy (good and bad) from other people which enables me to stay calm and have a balanced equilibrium on my outlook towards life, despite the long term pain and heartache due to Daniel’s long battle against ill health which was then followed by his passing.

The negativity that I initially see and face on a day to day basis from Black, Mixed Race and Asian people on the subject of registering as a lifesaving donor, is the positive fuel that I use to stop myself being engulfed in sorrow and mental pain. I instead turn the negative vibes into positivity by informing, motivating and inspiring so that their minds are changed and they do go onto register and potentially save a life.

The bonus is when I speak to lots of individuals who on the positive flip side say that they have been inspired to register, because they heard our message. That always makes my day, or when someone says “Thank you for doing what you do” because it cements in my mind that we are “doing the right thing”.

I also get a calming reassurance from speaking to the many donors, patients and families linked to our work. And this is a combination of those that became donors, found a donor or sadly lost a loved one due to the lack of a donor. Their individual and collective positive thinking and frame of mind, especially people dealing with sickness and bereavement is so profound and inspiring to me that it enables me to help them whilst at the same time they are mutually helping me.

Any closing thoughts you’d like to share with readers of Live with Loss?

Orin: Daniel your mission in this world has been accomplished, you have helped save so many lives and helped inspire so many others to try and give the gift of life. So it is now for the rest of us to do the right thing as a true legacy to you and do likewise. And when obstacles arise, you just change your direction to reach your goal, you do not change your decision to get there. Remember the road to success is always under construction.

(Photo courtesy of ACLT)

Orin Cadogan-Lewis was awarded with an OBE (Officer of the Order of the British Empire) in the Queen’s 2012 New Years Honours List in recognition for services to healthcare. Find out more about the work his charity does to promote bone marrow and blood donation at www.aclt.org.

Attachment-free relationships

Written by Suraj Shah.

“Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.” – Bill Withers

Relationships are wonderful. Attachment sucks. Here’s why.

  1. We go to a lot of trouble to be with someone we desire.
  2. When we get them, we worry about losing them.
  3. When they are gone, we feel sad.

Attachment = love + expectation = trouble

Attachments to people we are close to is love, coupled with expectation. That always spells trouble.

Our attachment to someone leads to greed – wanting them more, and wanting more from them. In trying to get more, our egos flare up and we tend to deceive and manipulate to get it. We become scheming and selfish. When we don’t get it, we become frustrated and spiteful.

Attachments, bad. Detached, expectation-free love, good.

What attachment-free relationships look like

Attachment-free relationships are magical. Here’s how they look:

  • A person arrives in your life at just the right time.
  • You feel blessed to have their positive presence.
  • All engagements and interactions with them are filled with love.
  • You care for them during life’s difficulties, but have no expectation of anything in return.
  • There is an understanding that they are doing the best they can do with what they have.
  • They leave at the right time, warmly and peacefully.
  • Life is filled with joy and trust.

How to have attachment-free relationships

Relationships free from attachment and expectation are pretty straightforward, so long as you know that:

  1. People come into our lives at the right time, no sooner and no later.
  2. They desire happiness and peace – they are no different from you or I.
  3. Most people have fears of pain, loss and death – just like you and I.
  4. They crave healing through love and care – just like you and I.
  5. They don’t like to be forced into doing things – just like you and I.
  6. They are doing the best they can with what they have – same for you and I.
  7. They will exit from our lives at the right time, no sooner and no later.

Attachment-free relationships are the way forward. Go on, enjoy your first dance.

(Photo courtesy of Stephen Steel, via Sawan Gosrani)