Category: Calm

The real shock of loss

Written by Suraj Shah. Inspired by greatness.

From the moment we wake to the time we lay our head to rest on the pillow at night we are constantly doing something or the other.

We are constantly seeking out some type of happiness, hiding from what we fear, numbing our pain.

Wrapped up in this same old drama, day in, day out — having never found true happiness — we fumble our way through life.

The wake-up call

Here is a story about the ever-changing nature of the world around us.

There’s a guy named Jake who lives on the streets in central London. Through an unfortunate turn of events, he lost his job and couldn’t afford to pay his rent, so was kicked out of his flat and is now homeless. He has no family nearby to help him out and his so-called friends no longer want to know him.

Jake hasn’t had a decent meal for three days, so is out begging to get some food. Many people pass him by, but no-one wants to give him any money.

The shops have just finished trading for the day and the kind-hearted local baker comes out of his shop with a paper bag of leftover chocolate chip muffins and offers it to him.

Jake thinks “hey, food is food — better than nothing.” He heads over to nearby Hyde Park, finds a quiet place to sit, places his dirty and tattered sleeping bag on the ground and has his ‘meal’.

He delves right into the muffins and they’re delicious. Absolutely scrumptious. He polishes them off. It settles his hunger but makes him a little drowsy.

As it is a mild winter evening and daylight is almost out, Jake takes his tatty bag, places it under his head, lays down and gently closes his eyes.

The drowsiness caused by the sweet muffins puts him into a deep deep sleep.

In his sleep, Jake dreams that he is a highly successful businessman. He is wearing slick suits, lives in a huge country mansion, has his own personal chef to cook him anything he wants at any time and is chauffeured around in his top-of-the-range Bentley. He attends the coolest parties, where beautiful women flock to his feet. He has attained great respect from heads of state and members of the local community.

He experiences an unusually happy dream where he has all the worldly pleasures and enjoyments he could ever desire. He is so captivated by this dream that he begins to feel that this dream is real life.

With London being London, the mild winter evening becomes not-so-mild. As the wind picks up, the trees start to rustle. A storm is about to hit London. Typical British weather!

Along with flickers of lightning emerges strong loud thunder and a heavy downpour of rain.

Upon hearing the thunder, Jake suddenly jumps awake from his beautiful dream and is immediately filled with fear. He opens his eyes, looks around and finds nothing from his dream. He is utterly dismayed.

Gone is the mansion, the Bentley and the driver. Gone are the beautifully seductive women. Gone are his staff and his tailor-made suits.

He has no-one to follow his instructions, nor does he have the pride of all that he has acquired in this world. He has lost his fame and fortune. He has lost everything that meant something to him.

Instead he finds himself with his tattered sleeping bag and the empty brown paper bag that has a few tiny crumbs of chocolate chip muffin. Sitting in the pouring rain and the puddles that are starting to form around him, he wakes up to his reality.

Thinking about the difference in his wakeful life and the dream he dreamt, he feels utterly distraught. The dream that brought him such great pleasure no longer existed.

Jake has had his wake-up call. First he did not truly enjoy the pleasures brought about by his dream, and second, all he has gained in real life is the unhappiness and sorrow of losing the pleasures from the dream. No real gain at all.

The transitory nature of the world around us

Just as Jake in the story really enjoyed all the worldly pleasures and happiness in his dream, we too seem to get all wrapped up by the lures of fame, fortune and worldly pleasures.

Then as Jake woke from his dream and realised that those pleasures were false, we too would benefit from realising that all the things we place our happiness in are far from permanent and will only lead to pain and sadness.

It turns out that everything we seek in life will rarely last very long:

  • Wealth and riches: Just as flashes of lightning briefly illuminate the sky but leave behind more darkness than before, wealth and riches may come to us but if we base our happiness on it, we will be left behind as paupers.
  • Power and status: We may at some point get high power and social status, but when it leaves us suddenly we will break down if we base our sense of success and happiness on it.
  • Health and beauty: Just as we are born, so we will die. The young inevitably grow old, or die early. No-one is ever totally free from sickness. Most things we just cannot control, so why base our happiness on what will naturally transform?

Note: The story and examples have been adapted from a book titled “Bhavna Bodha” written by self-realised Jain saint Shrimad Rajchandra in 1886 A.D. — a book (originally written in Gujarati) that I highly recommend to help with contemplation and the development of true unattachment and the clearing away of behaviours that trap us further in life. The first chapter is on anitya bhavna to aid contemplation on the transitory nature of the world around us.

Loss needn’t be shocking

"Don’t wait for inspiration to strike — you have to meet it halfway. If you want to be hit by lightning, go out in a thunderstorm with a metal rod. Scream at the thundering gods, daring them to strike you." – from Be inspired by Leo Babauta

The loss of a loved one may come as a shock, but it needn’t be shocking. One who can be born will inevitably die — that’s the fact of life, right?

The real shock around loss, the real wake-up call, is why we place so much of our happiness on that which will inevitably change.

It turns out that the real work we have to now do is seek out the real type of happiness that is uncapped, the type of happiness that lasts forever.

Gain from loss

Written by Suraj Shah. Inspired by greatness.

What do you gain when you have lost?

A man in his early-50s was sitting in the pub talking with his friends over a drink. One friend asked him how he felt now that his daughter had married and left home.

The man’s face lit up with a broad smile and proclaimed:

“I may have lost a daughter, but I’ve gained a bathroom!”

When we lose something that is very dear to us, it may feel natural to wallow in the sadness of that loss. But shifting our perspective to what we have gained from that loss may be all it takes to feel great.

The inevitability of loss

Over the years, things come into our life, and they vanish. People enter our life and they move on. Situations arise in life, and they cease. All this is natural.

Yet, when something or someone we hold dearly is no longer around, we are filled with a whole set of emotions ranging from bursts of anger, to teary sadness, through to relief.

  • Losing a job may raise worries about how you will be able to afford to pay the bills.
  • Losing a car as a result of an accident may take you longer to commute each day without the car.
  • Losing an argument may make you angry and bitter.
  • Losing a husband or wife may make you feel lonely and find it hard to take care of day-to-day tasks.
  • Losing a child who goes off to university may make the house feel empty and far too quiet.

So what is there to gain from any particular type of loss?

Gaining from loss

It is not often easy to see at first what can be gained from a loss of some sort, but is certainly worth exploring.

  • When you lose a job, perhaps you have the opportunity to explore an alternative career path.
  • When you lose your car, perhaps you discover a love for walking everywhere.
  • When you lose an argument, perhaps you develop the art of humility and care towards others.
  • When you lose a child who goes off to university, perhaps you delve into a new hobby that enriches your life.
  • When you lose a loved one, perhaps you gain independence and have the opportunity to develop self-sufficiency.

It is often said that when one door closes, another one opens. What door is opening for you at a time of loss?

Gaining the ultimate from any kind of loss

Beyond what you think you may gain from a loss, there is one thing you gain that is certain. The loss keeps reinforcing within you the reality that all things, whether good or bad, must come to an end.

By knowing this at the onset of any activity you undertake, or before welcoming any person into your life, it makes the separation that much easier at the time when they naturally have to go.

This is the art of detachment, something that you can cultivate through the various losses that you naturally go through in life.

But you needn’t wait till a significant loss to develop detachment. Through daily contemplation and introspection, it is possible to let go, even before something has arrived in your life.

As a result of detachment from desires and aversions, turbulence in life settles down.  As detachment increases, each day feels calmer and calmer.

What do you get to gain when you have lost? Share your thoughts on what you gain from loss at Google+

Wishing to be left alone

Written by Suraj Shah. Inspired by greatness.

Do you wish that the world would just leave you alone?

From the moment you wake till the time you lay your head on the pillow at night, your day, each and every day, is jam-packed with demands left, right and centre.

For some it’s the demanding boss, for others the nagging wife, perhaps the house to clean, the bills to pay, the groceries to buy, and so on and so on.

When the world becomes just too much to handle, all I’ve wanted is for everyone and everything to leave me alone. I bet you have too.

Retreating to the cave

Sometimes I just need to sit in a small room and close the door, or hide under the duvet for ten minutes and shut myself off from the world.

Perhaps it’s a man thing, from back in the stone age when men had the luxury of the cave. You know, that cosy dark place where a guy can think things through and emerge with strength and clarity.

But we live in a different world, where there is just far too much begging for our attention.

Actually, we are always alone

Even though we may crave being left alone, it turns out that actually we are always alone. Truly alone.

All situations that we experience in life, whether pleasurable or painful, will arise whether we want them to or not. Yet they are temporary, and so will only linger for a finite time.

All the people that we are surrounded by, and all the love they shower on us or the demands they throw upon us, will come and go, whether we want them to or not. They too are here for just a finite time, whether for just a few seconds or over eighty years.

Nomatter how hard we try, we can never truly change the situations that we are experiencing. It will end at its own natural time. In the same way, we can never truly change anyone and force them to behave differently — they will change or go at their own natural time.

Equally, nobody can change a situation for us — every situation we are faced with, we have to endure ourselves. Other people can offer their love and strength and support, but they cannot change what we are experiencing in that present moment.

So for that reason, we are always alone.

But we’re not wired to keep this fundamental truth at the forefront of our mind. If we were always aware of it, then we’d giggle at the futility of placing all our happiness in what will inevitably change.

So what can we do to remind ourselves that we are always alone, and to use that to cope with any situation?

Becoming alone in the midst of a turbulent world

Regardless of what is happening in the world around us, or who is coming or going, it is possible to find solitude, to find peace, to regain strength and clarity.

It is possible to take care of matters you are faced with, tackling them head-on with a clear head and a warm heart.

Here are some steps I take to develop alone-ness to support me with any overwhelming situation:

  1. Take a deep breath.
  2. Accept that it is meant to be this way, that this present moment cannot be different.
  3. Let go of trying to force it to be something else.
  4. Shift focus onto the greatest virtues of the majestic people who live around us and have lived among us.
  5. Immerse into the feeling of joy when thinking about those qualities and virtues.
  6. Carry that joyful feeling into the task now faced with.
  7. Respond to that situation with calm and purpose.

Once you start to discover the alone-ness in any situation, it becomes easier to cope with the day-to-day demands of the world. In fact, it makes it easier to feel good in any situation.

If you wish to be left alone, what helps you to cope with overwhelm? Share your alone-ness tips and thoughts on the above at Google+