Category: Detachment

What am I depending on for happiness?

Written by Suraj Shah.

“So long as I have a roof over my head, a decent meal each day and good health, then I’ll be happy.  I don’t need anything else.”

How many times have you heard this statement, or a variation of it?  How many times have you said something similar to this?

In the developed world, it’s far too easy to take the first two for granted – shelter and food.  For many, it’s too easy to take health for granted.

However, the reality is that good health is not something to depend on.  Neither is food,  nor shelter.

Happiness that turns into pain is not true happiness.  Happiness that leads to worry is not true happiness. Temporary happiness is not true happiness.

So what would make me happy?  To be able to discriminate between that which is permanent and that which is transitory.

That would keep me calm.  That would keep me grounded.  That would keep me centred.

When the day arrives that I can get to the heart of that, then nothing else need sway me.

Wipe the phone and all is well

I have a smartphone.

I turned off the data plan.

I wiped the phone of all it’s apps and data.

All is well.

Turns out that I was getting too dependent on my phone for basic tasks and it was a convenient distraction from focusing on the work that matters to me.

Now all I store on the phone is just inspirational music. No names, no numbers, no calendar entries.

No apps: no email, no Facebook, no Google Plus, no Google Reader, no satellite navigation.

I now use the phone to:

  • make & receive calls, entering numbers by hand each time.
  • compose, send & receive text messages.
  • listen to inspirational music from stored MP3s.
  • set the alarm to wake up in the morning.
All is well.

Wiping the phone was a great move

I no longer worry about losing it, or the data on it.

I no longer worry about it being damaged.

If I lost it, or it became unusable, I would simply buy another basic phone (order a replacement SIM if required)  and start using that phone.

How do I live without storing information on my phone?

Essential phone numbers are on a piece of paper that I carry with me (many of which I have now memorised anyway).

Non-essential phone numbers I simply jump on the web when next at the computer and get them from Google Contacts whenever I need them.  This helps with batching phone calls too.

Calendar entries are stored on Google Calendar. I have a 1 month matrix on a single sheet of paper where I write down important things I have planned for the month. This helps to cut out the time-saps too.

Almost all inbound calls are treated without bias – if I don’t recognise the number, then my greeting has to be the same for everyone, right?

If someone sends me an SMS and I don’t recognise the number and they haven’t left their name, I sometimes ask my wife if she has the number – but I’m learning not to keep doing that, as it’s quite cheeky and I’m testing her patience!

How has wiping my phone impacted my life?

I still have to pay £35 per month for my phone contract for another 6 months, but the benefits of deactivating data on my phone far outweigh the unnecessary dent in my pocket.

Emails I leave till when I am online on my computer- I batch them up and try to get them all done in one go. I’m still struggling to keep up with email, but it’s better than the constant frenetic checking on the phone and not really keeping up anyway.

Driving routes I simply look up on Google Maps in advance, have a planned route, and trust myself to learn the roads better as a I go along. Yes, I’ve made a few wrong turns, but I’ve also got my trusted A-Z road maps to keep me on the right track. (There are times when my wife and I have used the satellite navigation on her phone when the paper roadmap does not stretch out far enough to cover the area we are travelling to).

Facebook – I deactivated my account at the end of last year – turns out I’m enjoying spending time doing other cool things such as reading, introspecting, and having quality time with a few select people.

Would you go data-free on your phone?

Not everyone will be up for this.  Some of my friends are incredibly disciplined and use their data-enabled phones very wisely, but I don’t have that level of discipline just yet, so dropping data connectivity was the way to go, for now.

Try going data-free on your phone for a week or so, and see how it feels.

Have you done it yourself?  How has it been for you?

Attachment-free relationships

Written by Suraj Shah.

“Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.” – Bill Withers

Relationships are wonderful. Attachment sucks. Here’s why.

  1. We go to a lot of trouble to be with someone we desire.
  2. When we get them, we worry about losing them.
  3. When they are gone, we feel sad.

Attachment = love + expectation = trouble

Attachments to people we are close to is love, coupled with expectation. That always spells trouble.

Our attachment to someone leads to greed – wanting them more, and wanting more from them. In trying to get more, our egos flare up and we tend to deceive and manipulate to get it. We become scheming and selfish. When we don’t get it, we become frustrated and spiteful.

Attachments, bad. Detached, expectation-free love, good.

What attachment-free relationships look like

Attachment-free relationships are magical. Here’s how they look:

  • A person arrives in your life at just the right time.
  • You feel blessed to have their positive presence.
  • All engagements and interactions with them are filled with love.
  • You care for them during life’s difficulties, but have no expectation of anything in return.
  • There is an understanding that they are doing the best they can do with what they have.
  • They leave at the right time, warmly and peacefully.
  • Life is filled with joy and trust.

How to have attachment-free relationships

Relationships free from attachment and expectation are pretty straightforward, so long as you know that:

  1. People come into our lives at the right time, no sooner and no later.
  2. They desire happiness and peace – they are no different from you or I.
  3. Most people have fears of pain, loss and death – just like you and I.
  4. They crave healing through love and care – just like you and I.
  5. They don’t like to be forced into doing things – just like you and I.
  6. They are doing the best they can with what they have – same for you and I.
  7. They will exit from our lives at the right time, no sooner and no later.

Attachment-free relationships are the way forward. Go on, enjoy your first dance.

(Photo courtesy of Stephen Steel, via Sawan Gosrani)