Tag: care

Only protecting my own

Written by Suraj Shah.

When trouble’s brewing in your neighbourhood, what’s the first thing you do?

Mayhem has kicked off in London and across the UK. Riots are taking place, shops are being looted, buildings are set alight and innocent people are getting hurt.

Business owners have suffered great financial loss, through damage done to their property, goods stolen and loss of trade.

Families, the elderly and the vulnerable are terrified about the damage done in the world around them. They are scared about the harm that may come to them and those close to them.

Communities are shocked that their own locals are doing so much damage to their neighbourhood.

Reports say it’s the poor fighting against the rich. I say it’s the deluded battling with themselves.

As news reports roll though announcing trouble that has erupted, with security forces deployed, and total confusion about the cause of the riots, there is immediately one question on everybody’s mind:

“How will this affect me?”

Will I be in any danger? Will my family be ok? Will my friends stay safe? Is my house ok? Is my shop ok? Can I still get home from work or will the roads be blocked off?

We contact our wives and husbands and children and parents. We check with our neighbours that our homes and possessions are ok. We frantically scour the news reports to see how widespread the riots are, and whether we or our loved ones are likely to be affected.

Less thought is given to all the people suffering due to the riots – the victims and indeed the rioters themselves.

We tend only to focus on looking out for and protecting our own – those we consider as “me” and “mine”.

Looking beyond ourselves

However, once we are satisfied that we are ok and our own people and possessions are ok, then, and only then do we give consideration to how others in the community are, and whether they or those important to them have been affected in some way. Or do we…?

Hiding from the truth

The truth is that we tend not to care much about those people and things that we don’t have a strong relationship with. We hide behind fake sentiments and insensitive jokes. We try to create disconnection and escape from the graveness of the situation. We busy ourselves in our work and mundane worldly matters, hoping that we are not affected by the situation in any way.

This is real

There’s no hiding from it. This is real. What’s happening in the world around us is real. It’s on our doorstep, and we must face it with eyes open wide. Yes, we need to protect our family and those who depend on us. Yes, we also need to care for the well being of our neighbours and those in our communities. At the end of the day, we need to care for one another, with true friendship, for everyone.

Forgiveness settles anger

Friendship, true friendship, cultivates a sense of care for all living beings. It reduces the worry about our own possessions and relationships, and enhances care for everyone and all things, all at once.

Friendship, true friendship, cultivates forgiveness. It brings downs our egos and expectations, and encourages more acceptance and understanding. It doesn’t allow for even a glimpse of spite, malice or revenge.  It wipes out anger and replaces it with peace.

By enhancing friendship with all those in the world around you, it helps you develop understanding, trust and a deeper connection with your local and global community.

How to enhance the quality of friendship

Enhancing friendship means we:

  1. Smile at everyone we meet, rather than ignore anyone who is looking for connection.
  2. Appreciate the qualities of those we come across rather than focus on their faults.
  3. Care for those who are facing difficulties, rather than insult them with “I told you so”.
  4. Adjust to other people’s actions rather than demand our way all the time.
  5. Listen intently to what is being said, rather than carry out our own internal chatter.
  6. Communicate words of positive encouragement rather than contribute to fault-finding.
  7. Immerse in the conversation and make them feel special, rather that it being all about “me, me, me”.

Enhancing friendship is more important now than it has ever been before.

What do you do to cultivate friendship within yourself?

(Photo courtesy of Andy Armstrong)

Paying your respects at the community prayer meeting

Post written by Suraj Shah.

Have you attended a prayer meeting recently to pay your respects when someone in the community has passed away?

When someone passes away, certain community groups have a set day or evening when members of the community can come together and attend a prayer meeting (sometimes referred to as a sadadi or prarthna sabha) to pay their respects.

During the prayer meeting, there is an opportunity to pay condolences to the close friends and relations of the deceased and then to sit in silence and listen to devotional singing.

Paying “dis-respect”  🙁

Sadly, not all those who attend this prayer meeting appreciate the importance of remaining silent. They will use it as an opportunity to catch up with distant family and old friends, and carry out conversations about cricket scores, business activity and boasting about their children’s graduation and getting a top city job.

I get the feeling that they feel forced having to attend the event, are bored, and are looking for anything that will be a distraction to their boredom.

All the while, the close family and friends of the deceased are grieving and confused, and deeply hurt that the other community members cannot respectfully maintain silence, even for just a couple of hours.

How would you feel if your father passed away and there was a lot of mindless chatter taking place in the hall? I’d certainly feel hurt and disrespected.

From dis-respect to introspect

Prayer meetings are in fact an excellent opportunity to introspect and enhance your compassion.

The next time you attend a community prayer meeting to pay your respects, here are seven tips to help you and those around you to remain respectful while taking some time for your own self-growth.

Tip #1: Remember the person who has passed away

When I was in my early 20s, one of my closest childhood friends died in a car accident. This was clearly a shock, but during the funeral I was remembering my friend’s caring nature and adventurous antics. I even laughed a little when the song “don’t worry, be happy” was playing in the crematorium – a fun reminder of his chilled-out nature.

If you personally knew the person who passed away, take the time to recollect the fondest memories you have of them.

  • How did they talk?
  • How did they act?
  • What was their main message in life?
  • What can you learn from their life and apply into yours?

Tip #2: Remember someone who has passed away that you were close to

When I attended my wife’s mother’s sister’s husband’s mother’s prayer meeting, I didn’t know the lady. But as this was my wife’s cousin’s grandmother (who I didn’t know) that passed away, I simply remembered my own nanima (grandmother).

I remembered how nanima used to listen to us with love. I remembered how she used to make delicious snacks for us. I remembered how she used to make us do the household chores and how she always got her way but got away with it because of how much we all adored her.

  • If you did not personally know the person that passed away, what do you remember about someone you did know?
  • If it’s your friend’s grandmother who passed away, then what fond memories do you have of your own grandmother?

Tip #3: Contemplate on the temporary nature and meaning of your own life

  • What is your own life about?
  • Do you really know how much time you have left?
  • What are you spending your time and energy on?
  • Is what you do going to bring you long term results?
  • What are you sacrificing due to your current activity?
  • What will happen to your body over the coming years and decades?
  • How will old age affect you?
  • How will disease affect you?
  • What provisions are you making for the time when you will no longer be around?

Tip #4: Recite a mantra over and over again in your head

One of my all time favourite mantras is the Navkar Mantra from the timeless Jain tradition.  It helps to calm the constant chatter that is taking place in my mind and it helps me to focus my thoughts on the qualities of those who have made huge strides in improving their spiritual state.

Navkar mantra

Om namo Arihantanam
Om namo Siddhanam
Om namo Aiyanianam
Om namo Uvajjayanam
Namo loye savve Sahunam
Eso pancho nammo karo
Savva pavo parnasano
Mangalanamcha savve siim
Padhamam havvai mangalam

In essence, with this mantra, I focus in on the qualities of:

  1. the Arihanta – those who have shone the light on how to rise above the mundane circumstances of everyday life and therefore to attain the state of abundant, infinite, eternal bliss.
  2. the Siddha – those who have done the immense work of freeing themselves from the shackles of karma, and all they now experience is a peak abundant state of bliss, knowledge, energy and consciousness.
  3. the Acharya – the heads of the spiritual organisations who, with great compassion, are helping masses of people to walk the path towards eternal peace and happiness.
  4. the Upadhyaya – the spiritual scholars who are making available the literature from the spiritual leaders of the past, for the benefit of the wider population.
  5. the Sadhus – the monks and nuns who are diligently putting into practice the lessons taught by all the above.

Reciting the above 9 lines over and over again has helped me in many situations where I have needed to be relaxed, centred and focus in on what matters the most.

Do you have a mantra that helps you calm your mind and focus your thoughts on what is important?

Tip #5: Immerse in the devotional music being played

Sometimes there is a lone person singing or there is a whole group performing.  Other times there is a CD or tape being played.

Whatever the source of the music, immerse in the music being played.  Listen in to the words and their deeper meaning.  Try to capture the emotion expressed by the performers.   Sing along if appropriate.  Do whatever it takes to fill your heart with bhakti bhaav (a deep devotional feeling).  I promise you – when you are so immersed in the music, those around you will start to align to it too.

Tip #6: Lend a hand – help with the logistics

When the family is grieving, sometimes things get forgotten. This is the time to jump in and lend a hand.

  • Can you help with setting up or putting away the chairs?
  • Can you help the musicians get set up?
  • Can you source tissues, drinking water and glasses?
  • Can you organise a couple of people to help pour water into glasses and take it round for the close family?
  • Could you help to direct the crowd and pause the line when speeches are being given, eulogies are being read, and main prayers being recited?

Tip #7: Help those around you to remain respectful too

Granted, this one takes a little practice, but when done right, this can add a lot of value to everyone in the room.

When the person next to you starts up a conversation with you, gently glance at them, smile softly, and don’t say a word.  They may keep trying to talk to you, but hopefully they will catch on to your subtle message.

When people are having a full-blown conversation behind you, turn around, gently say hi and then ask “Please remind me – why are we here today?  Do we have to talk in this room, or can we have respect for the family and sit in silence?”

Done with the right intention, they will hopefully get the message without you causing them any embarrassment.

If all else fails, go back to Tip #5, immerse yourself in the devotional music and sing along with bhakti bhaav in your heart.

What can you add?

Which of these activities do you take part in during prayer meetings and how do they work out for you? What can you add that would provide inspiration to us all, help improve our behaviour, and further enhance our compassion towards those who are grieving?