Attachment-free relationships

Written by Suraj Shah.

“Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.” – Bill Withers

Relationships are wonderful. Attachment sucks. Here’s why.

  1. We go to a lot of trouble to be with someone we desire.
  2. When we get them, we worry about losing them.
  3. When they are gone, we feel sad.

Attachment = love + expectation = trouble

Attachments to people we are close to is love, coupled with expectation. That always spells trouble.

Our attachment to someone leads to greed – wanting them more, and wanting more from them. In trying to get more, our egos flare up and we tend to deceive and manipulate to get it. We become scheming and selfish. When we don’t get it, we become frustrated and spiteful.

Attachments, bad. Detached, expectation-free love, good.

What attachment-free relationships look like

Attachment-free relationships are magical. Here’s how they look:

  • A person arrives in your life at just the right time.
  • You feel blessed to have their positive presence.
  • All engagements and interactions with them are filled with love.
  • You care for them during life’s difficulties, but have no expectation of anything in return.
  • There is an understanding that they are doing the best they can do with what they have.
  • They leave at the right time, warmly and peacefully.
  • Life is filled with joy and trust.

How to have attachment-free relationships

Relationships free from attachment and expectation are pretty straightforward, so long as you know that:

  1. People come into our lives at the right time, no sooner and no later.
  2. They desire happiness and peace – they are no different from you or I.
  3. Most people have fears of pain, loss and death – just like you and I.
  4. They crave healing through love and care – just like you and I.
  5. They don’t like to be forced into doing things – just like you and I.
  6. They are doing the best they can with what they have – same for you and I.
  7. They will exit from our lives at the right time, no sooner and no later.

Attachment-free relationships are the way forward. Go on, enjoy your first dance.

(Photo courtesy of Stephen Steel, via Sawan Gosrani)

My wife’s not a Shah

Written by Suraj Shah.

“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose. By any other name would smell as sweet.” – Romeo and Juliet (II, ii, 1-2)

The name’s Shah, Suraj Shah. That’s what I’ve been born with, that’s what I’m still known as.

When I got married, I stayed as Suraj Shah. Naturally. The guy doesn’t change his last name for marriage, the girl does, right?

When I met my wife, she was called Heena Modi. Since getting married to me, she’s still known as Heena Modi. She refused to change it. I refused to force her.

It’s her identity. It’s what people in the community know her as. There are plenty of Heena Shah’s out there. There’s only one Heena Modi – to my knowledge. Makes it easy to identify the right wife!

What’s good about my wife is that she can comfortably go around being known as Heena Modi, but if anyone welcomes her as Mrs Shah or introduces us as Mr and Mrs Shah, she doesn’t make a big deal of it.

But when we’re out and about, and she introduces herself first, and then someone calls me Mr Modi, then impulsively I correct them by saying “It’s Mr Shah, actually”.

Why the need to correct?

What makes Heena so ok with being called Mrs Shah, but makes me so uncomfortable being called something other than Mr Shah? Why am I so precious about this name?

It’s my label, my identity, how people know me, the picture people paint of me when they hear the name. So I think.

Is the image of me as rosy as I think it is? Doubt it. I have my flaws – many of them – trying to keep them hidden so that my ‘image’ is not tarnished. But I bet people can see through that. I bet the people around me know what I’m really like – who I am beneath the layers of self-preservation.

Uncovering the layers to reveal the true self

Over the years, these layers have built up, one on top of the other, masking my real self, over and over again. These layers have hardened and protected me from the realities of the world – or so I thought.

What they’ve really done is that they have hidden away who I really am, and who I could be. It’s time to lose the layers, stop hiding, and face up to my true self.

Perhaps when I stop hiding, it’s won’t really matter whether I’m called Mr Shah, or something else.

Who is looking back at me?

Poem written by Suraj Shah.

… and why do I hold these things so dear?

Looking in the mirror, straight into my own eyes,
Dare I keep looking at myself, caught up in these toxic lies.
Who is looking back at me?  How long will he be here?
Who is he, really, and why is there so much fear?

Here today but gone tomorrow, we all know that,
We are reminded about it time and again, as a matter of fact.
Who is looking back at me?  How long will he be here?
Who is he, really, and when will it become clear?

Immersed in the changing, by what will be no more,
To save my soul, I must learn, to simply shut the door.
Who is looking back at me?  How long will he be here?
Who is he, really, and why do I hold these things so dear?

This body and it’s relationships, though permanent we think,
Is but no more than an illusion, will vanish within a blink!
Who is looking back at me?  How long will he be here?
Who is he, really, and how do I attend to what is near?

The indulgence of the body, the attachment to my and mine,
Releasing control gently, surrendering it to the divine.
Who is looking back at me?  How long will he be here?
“Who is he, really?” is the ultimate question to persevere.

Listen to the poem "Who is looking back at me?"

(Photo courtesy of kirainet)