Category: Family

Grandmother’s values live on

Written by Suraj Shah, inspired by the enlightened.

A grandmother is a source of great love, patience and kindness, subtly balancing lightness and strength.

Through her day-to-day presence, she keeps the family together, diffusing minor mundane conflicts and building bonds of support. We often taken it for granted that she will be around forever, but when she leaves, she is certainly missed.

Grandmothers are a source of wisdom and inspiration. Recently I met two young people whose grandmothers have been an inspiration to their new businesses (one sources timeless Indian jewellery and the other prepares luxury Indian chocolates).  At the heart of their businesses is a constant reminder of their heritage, and I expect wrapped within that are a toolbox of values for conducting themselves in amongst the demands of a fast-paced world.

Since a young age, certain values have been passed down by my grandma, which my siblings and I work hard to live up to and improve on, day upon day. These values include:

  • hard work
  • good judgement
  • courage
  • integrity
  • sacrifice
  • support
  • understanding

These are certainly the same values that I see shining through my brother, my parents, my cousins, uncles and aunts. These are perhaps the same values that my business-running friends also hold close to their hearts, the very same values that permeate through our Indian heritage, and the global village.

So I am thankful for the treasury gifted to us by our elders, and yet am constantly reminded that the time is now to continue the work done so well by those before us.

It’s been three years since you passed on, my dear Nanima.  I salute you for the values you diligently worked to blend into our everyday existence.

On this day in remembrance of our grandma, Smitamasi (my aunt) captured the essence of Nanima’s life in this one line: “your smile was made of sunshine”.  That just about sums it up for me.

Sweet elderly lady

Poem by Suraj Shah.

Sweet elderly lady, that lives just three doors down,
Used to smile broadly, now carries a slight frown.
Lived with her husband for sixty magnificent years,
With his recent passing, she is overcome with tears.

She struggles to cook, craves help from her man,
Can’t manage alone, can’t even lift a saucepan.
It’s been only four months, but feels more like eleven,
Places demands on God, to also whisk her to heaven.

Sons live far far away, with their own pretty wives,
Busy working away to maintain their expensive lives.
They encourage her to move, to somewhere nearby,
Yet such rushed upheavel, would make anyone cry.

She reminisces about their love, missing him so much,
The long country drives, and his soft and gentle touch.
To get where she wanted, he would take her in the car,
Now she depends on others, to reach places near and far.

A beautiful garden, he had worked hard to maintain,
Now looks more like a picture with a horrible stain.
He grew all types of vegetables on the green patch,
Now remains a reminder of her man unfairly snatched.

On warm summer days, in the garden they had sat,
Sharing a glass of wine, discussing this and that.
Now she’s alone, with no-one home to enjoy a drink,
Instead stays indoors, with plenty of time to think.

She thinks and she thinks, thinking more and more,
Pondering on days to come, wondering what’s in store.
Acknowledging she will be alone, and that’s actually ok,
Happy in her own company, she’s decided to stay.

Never forgetting the kind man, who once shared her life,
With conviction she will overcome, any kind of strife.
The sweet elderly lady, that lives three doors away,
Affirms she will lead a full life, starting from today.

Calm inducing rituals

Written by Suraj Shah.

Soon after the death of a loved one, emotions are all over the place.

There is so much to organise. Relatives fly in from around the world. Family and friends call up and come round to support, arriving early and staying till late.

During such a delicate time, close family members experiencing the loss need something to help bring calm to the madness.

Calm during chaos

In the timeless Jain tradition, we have one such method to bring about calm at a time of chaos.

Within a day or so of the death, we hold a prayer meeting. Distant family and friends of the bereaved and other members of the community congregate in a hall, giving them the chance to offer their condolences to the family.

What I value the most during these two hour sessions are the songs that are sung. These “vairagya na stavano” are songs from the Jain and other Indian traditions that bring about detachment.

What is detachment and why is it important at a time of loss?

In our day to day lives, we spend so much time indulging in objects of the senses, constantly being seduced by the desires of our body and its constant demands.

We succumb to likes and dislikes in pretty much everything we do.  These attractions and aversions bring about damaging emotions of anger, greed, ego and deceit.

When we lose someone that we like so much it is easy to fall into a sorrowful and bitter state – but there is a way to rise above it.

Detachment cultivates freedom from attractions (likes) and aversions (dislikes).

Songs that help bring about detachment, the “vairagya na stavano”, result in calm and clarity in our lives.

These songs paint a compassionate picture of how:

  1. The soul is separate from the body.
  2. Even though the body is momentary, the true self (soul) lives forever.
  3. Nothing we do can change someone else’s destiny.
  4. Nothing we do can change our own current situation.
  5. We have great power to influence our own future experiences.
  6. We have great power to remain calm no matter what we are experiencing right now.
  7. There are those who are completely liberated from suffering.
  8. There are those who are in a state of abundant, infinite and eternal bliss.
  9. Those liberated souls presently in a state of eternal bliss have left a path for us to attain it too.
  10. Having faith in words of these wonderfully compassionate souls and patiently treading the path they have shared will bring about great calm and clarity in our lives.

At a time of sorrow and chaos, attaining a sense of calm seems fairly straightforward.

In your faith, tradition or community, what calm inducing rituals do you take part in?