Category: Supporting

A father’s day note if you miss your dad

Written by Suraj Shah, inspired by greatness.

Do you know of someone who misses their dad?

In the past year, several of my friends have had to deal with the loss of their father. Some fathers had suffered through a long-term illness. Others have died suddenly.

This father’s day, I prepared a note for my friends who miss their dad.

Feel free to download the note (398KB PDF) and send it to someone you know who is feeling at a loss as a result of their father no longer being around. It may provide a source of clarity, comfort and strength for them.

Also, it could be that your friend’s father is still alive, but they’ve fallen out of touch as a result of distance, busy lives, a degenerative condition such as alzheimers, or perhaps differences in opinion. It may help with this kind of loss too.

» download the Father’s Day note for friends who miss their dad (398KB PDF)

Here is the text from the downloadable note, in case you cannot access the document.

If you miss your dad…  by Suraj Shah | livewithloss.com | June 2012

How are you coping with the loss of your father?

Chances are that you’re thinking of your dad.  Perhaps you miss him.

  • It may be the date of his birthday or some other important date.
  • It may be that you’re attending a family occasion where he’s not present.
  • It may be that he’s not around to celebrate a major accomplishment with you.
  • It may be father’s day where many other sons and daughters are connecting with their fathers.
  • You may be facing a difficult situation and could do with your father’s guidance and support.

Whatever the reason, you miss your dad, and that’s understandable.

Fathers are incredible people.  They have worked hard their whole lives.  They have done whatever they think is best to give us, their children a good upbringing.  They have taught us how to stand on our own two feet.

Your father was a source of immense strength.  He had been through so much and yet continued to tap into a deep reservoir of love.

He may not have said much, but was quietly waiting… waiting to give support, to always be on hand when you needed him the most.  And you knew it.

For this reason, and this reason alone, you will always miss him.

Father’s values

Although your dad may no longer be around, there is something that will stay on forever: the values with which he lived his life by.

These very same values are growing stronger in you.

When you look deep within yourself and think about the values you aspire to live your life by, you’ll discover that many of them are the very same ones you’ve absorbed from your father over the years.

Everyone’s principles and values are different.  Here are some I’ve gained from my dad:

  • Have a positive attitude to handle any situation.
  • Face the world’s challenges with a smile.
  • Think hard about what’s important to you and make time for it.
  • Cut out all distractions that take you away from what is most important.
  • Family duty comes first — care for your wife, care for your children, care for those who depend on you.
  • Nothing is more important than your peace of mind.
  • When in a conversation, listen — listen properly — then respond as appropriate.
  • Talk to people of all ages and with all sorts of backgrounds — there is always something to learn.
  • Great service is more important than a quick buck.
  • Don’t forget to make money too — you need to support yourself.
  • Be fearless in life — no-one and nothing has the power to make you feel scared.

Live with the loss of your dad

On special occasion days or the times when life is sending difficulties your way, use these three steps to help the memory of your dad shape a better moment for yourself:

1. Remember your dad: Remember your father with all your heart.  Recall your greatest moments with him, what he would say, and what he stood for.

2. Recognise these values emerging in you:  These same qualities are within you.  Look deep within, remember times when you too have gotten through situations using those values.

3. Apply these values to your current situation:  Whatever you are currently going through, take those values you hold so dear and apply them to your present situation.  Think about what your father would have done and how he would have done it.  Magnify it.  Immerse yourself into it.

By remembering your dad, recognising these values in you and then applying them to your present situation, you will see yourself glide through the current situation with ease.

Additional resources

Let go of control to feel great

A friend whose father was very ill had found a way to let go and face the reality of his father’s imminent death.  Learn about how certain phrases from our heritage have been instrumental in helping us let go of control: livewithloss.com/let-go

Getting grief and bereavement support

Upon losing someone, do you feel there’s no-one you can talk to?  Even with loads of people around who try hard to make sure you’re not left on your own, it’s still so easy to feel alone. But there is a way through it: livewithloss.com/bereavement-support

If you found this note helpful, feel free to forward it onto friends who may also be missing their dads.

With warmth,
Suraj

If you miss your father and want to share your thoughts with others, head on over to Google+ to write a few words for friends who miss their dad.

Getting grief and bereavement support

Written by Suraj Shah, inspired by greatness.

Upon losing someone, do you feel there’s no-one you can talk to?

Even with loads of people around who try hard to make sure you’re not left on your own, it’s still so easy to feel alone. But there is a way through it.

A new reader of Live with loss had been struggling with her father’s death for over two years.

She recently wrote to me:

“I feel alone and stranded in that no one around me wants to talk about it. Many times I’ve restrained myself because people around me would either be uncomfortable or not ready to talk about loss or grieving.”

I think many of us have felt this at one time or another — whether someone close to us has died, or we’ve lost them in some other way.

Even with many caring people around, we feel completely stranded because it feels we can’t depend on them to give us what we need.

The people around us

These people — our family, our friends, our colleagues and our neighbours — may think they know what we need. But mostly, they don’t. They may want the best for us, but they tend to arrive ill equipped.

Some don’t really know what to do, so they send a small note and leave us alone. Some don’t bother to contact at all.

Some are so caught up in their own lives that they don’t notice we need their support.

Some get so distracted retelling their own tragic stories or updating us about other people who have died, that they completely forget about us!

Some even have their own agendas in making sure we’re “fit to work” again, so they do what they can to rush us back into a normal happy state.

Mostly, the people around us are not comfortable talking about death or loss — they may say it’s too morbid, but perhaps they are a little scared of facing up to the topic themselves.  Go easy on them.

Be aware of all these types of people and let them carry on (because we can’t ever really change someone else), while you facilitate your own ‘getting back to normal’.

It takes time, care and compassion.  Most of all, it takes love. Expectation-free love.

All we need when we’ve lost

The simple truth is that following a loss, all we need is:

  • Someone to sit with us, face to face.
  • Someone to spend time with us, when we’re ready.
  • Someone to ask the right questions.
  • Someone to listen, to truly listen.
  • Someone to not tell us about their own tragic stories!

When we lose someone that we are close to, it is often hard to make sense of it.  The one thing we want above anything else is to have someone to talk to.

Someone to openly talk with, someone who will just listen, who can prepare a welcoming space in which we can breathe and think more clearly.

Reaching out for bereavement support

We may not realise that near our homes and within our neighbourhoods are people trained to support us during times when we feel stranded.

Some are specifically trained to offer bereavement support — to sit and listen to us and help us regain our strength.

These people can be found in:

  • local community centres
  • places of worship
  • hospitals and hospices
  • the local phone directory
  • web searches

Some services are offered by volunteers completely free of charge. Others charge a fee (although many of those are means-tested, which allow you to ‘pay based on your earnings’).

However, if you live in a remote part of the world where a face-to-face visit is not possible, there may be other options:

  • telephone based bereavement support
  • email based bereavement support
  • web video based bereavement support

If you are feeling alone and stranded following the loss of a loved one, I do hope you find the comfort you are looking for through the above.

Your own bereavement support resources

Have you come across other resources that have helped you or others you know?

On Google+, share your grief and bereavement support resources as well as your own thoughts on the above.

Grandmother’s values live on

Written by Suraj Shah, inspired by the enlightened.

A grandmother is a source of great love, patience and kindness, subtly balancing lightness and strength.

Through her day-to-day presence, she keeps the family together, diffusing minor mundane conflicts and building bonds of support. We often taken it for granted that she will be around forever, but when she leaves, she is certainly missed.

Grandmothers are a source of wisdom and inspiration. Recently I met two young people whose grandmothers have been an inspiration to their new businesses (one sources timeless Indian jewellery and the other prepares luxury Indian chocolates).  At the heart of their businesses is a constant reminder of their heritage, and I expect wrapped within that are a toolbox of values for conducting themselves in amongst the demands of a fast-paced world.

Since a young age, certain values have been passed down by my grandma, which my siblings and I work hard to live up to and improve on, day upon day. These values include:

  • hard work
  • good judgement
  • courage
  • integrity
  • sacrifice
  • support
  • understanding

These are certainly the same values that I see shining through my brother, my parents, my cousins, uncles and aunts. These are perhaps the same values that my business-running friends also hold close to their hearts, the very same values that permeate through our Indian heritage, and the global village.

So I am thankful for the treasury gifted to us by our elders, and yet am constantly reminded that the time is now to continue the work done so well by those before us.

It’s been three years since you passed on, my dear Nanima.  I salute you for the values you diligently worked to blend into our everyday existence.

On this day in remembrance of our grandma, Smitamasi (my aunt) captured the essence of Nanima’s life in this one line: “your smile was made of sunshine”.  That just about sums it up for me.