Detachment – Page 9 – Live with loss

Wishing to be left alone

Written by Suraj Shah. Inspired by greatness .

Do you wish that the world would just leave you alone?

From the moment you wake till the time you lay your head on the pillow at night, your day, each and every day, is jam-packed with demands left, right and centre.

For some it’s the demanding boss, for others the nagging wife, perhaps the house to clean, the bills to pay, the groceries to buy, and so on and so on.

When the world becomes just too much to handle, all I’ve wanted is for everyone and everything to leave me alone. I bet you have too.

Retreating to the cave

Sometimes I just need to sit in a small room and close the door, or hide under the duvet for ten minutes and shut myself off from the world.

Perhaps it’s a man thing, from back in the stone age when men had the luxury of the cave. You know, that cosy dark place where a guy can think things through and emerge with strength and clarity.

But we live in a different world, where there is just far too much begging for our attention.

Actually, we are always alone

Even though we may crave being left alone, it turns out that actually we are always alone. Truly alone.

All situations that we experience in life, whether pleasurable or painful, will arise whether we want them to or not. Yet they are temporary, and so will only linger for a finite time.

All the people that we are surrounded by, and all the love they shower on us or the demands they throw upon us, will come and go, whether we want them to or not. They too are here for just a finite time, whether for just a few seconds or over eighty years.

Nomatter how hard we try, we can never truly change the situations that we are experiencing. It will end at its own natural time. In the same way, we can never truly change anyone and force them to behave differently — they will change or go at their own natural time.

Equally, nobody can change a situation for us — every situation we are faced with, we have to endure ourselves. Other people can offer their love and strength and support, but they cannot change what we are experiencing in that present moment.

So for that reason, we are always alone.

But we’re not wired to keep this fundamental truth at the forefront of our mind. If we were always aware of it, then we’d giggle at the futility of placing all our happiness in what will inevitably change.

So what can we do to remind ourselves that we are always alone, and to use that to cope with any situation?

Becoming alone in the midst of a turbulent world

Regardless of what is happening in the world around us, or who is coming or going, it is possible to find solitude, to find peace, to regain strength and clarity.

It is possible to take care of matters you are faced with, tackling them head-on with a clear head and a warm heart.

Here are some steps I take to develop alone-ness to support me with any overwhelming situation:

Take a deep breath.
Accept that it is meant to be this way, that this present moment cannot be different.
Let go of trying to force it to be something else.
Shift focus onto the greatest virtues of the majestic people who live around us and have lived among us.
Immerse into the feeling of joy when thinking about those qualities and virtues.
Carry that joyful feeling into the task now faced with.
Respond to that situation with calm and purpose.

Once you start to discover the alone-ness in any situation, it becomes easier to cope with the day-to-day demands of the world. In fact, it makes it easier to feel good in any situation.

If you wish to be left alone, what helps you to cope with overwhelm? Share your alone-ness tips and thoughts on the above at Google+

Let go of control to feel great!

Written by Suraj Shah, inspired by the enlightened.

When a loss is imminent, how do you let go?

A friend whose father was very ill had found a way to let go and face the reality of his father’s imminent death.

When I heard that his dad had passed away, I called but did not get through. So I left a voicemail expressing my condolences. Later, in a message he replied:

“… we did everything we could for dad but unfortunately it got to a stage where it was out of our hands. He passed peacefully and that’s all we could ask for.”

It must have taken great courage and strength to write those words. Within those words came a great realisation:

“…it was out of our hands.”

We think we’re in control

How much of what happens in our world is in our hands? How much can we control?

We think that we determine how other people behave and the situations that arise.

We think we can get people to do as we want.

We get happy when the sun shines and sad when the rain falls.
We get happy cruising in our shiny new car, but upset and angry over the tiniest scratch.
We are smitten by the cute new baby, but fall into depression when losing a loved one.
We are over the moon when we receive a compliment, but fiercely bitter when people fail to notice our greatest work.

So much of our day to day life is spent trying to control the people and the situations in the world around us.

We so desperately want things to go our way. When they don’t, we plead and we bully, we get angry and upset and we cry.

It’s out of our hands – we control nothing

The reality of life is that we control nothing.

My grandma used to say (in Gujarati):

“jeh thawanu hasse, ee thaasse”.

It loosely translates to:

“what is meant to happen, will”.

For years I would brush it off, thinking my grandma was nuts. What mumbo-jumbo! Of course I control my own destiny. Right? No so.

Turns out that since she passed on, I’ve come to realise just how right she was.

Things certainly do happen as they are meant to:

People come and go.
We land jobs and get fired, or made redundant, or just lose interest.
We fall in and out of love.
Others fall in and out of love with us.
Houses are built and fall down, or are demolished, or burned down.
Our health is great one moment, and the next we suffer with aches and pains and fevers.

Our life, our world, everything around us is so temperamental. So strange. So odd. How much do we really control?

Everything that happens is appropriate

In gujarati, there is another phrase:

“jeh thaay, teh yogya chhe”

It translates to:

“what happens, is appropriate”.

Based on our self-bound karma, situation arise. What we experience is a result of our own self-bound karma. What others experience is a result of their own self-bound karma.

The situation that arises is appropriate because it is a fruition of that previously-bound karma.

Although we make every effort to help others through a difficult time (which we should), only they have the power to get through the situation.

Just as nobody can truly take away something that we are meant to experience (that which is appropriate to what we have previously bound), in that way we are not able to take away something that another person is due to experience.

Illness is just a result of previously-bound karma arising at the appropriate time.

Death is nothing other than the ending of a karma that determined how long that particular lifespan would be. It is appropriate because that life-span-determining karma had arisen at the time of that person’s conception and had come to an end at the end of their life.

We can’t stop someone from getting ill, nor can we stop them from dying.

We can’t extract them from what they are experiencing, but we can offer strength through our love and support and practical help.

Everything that happens is good

My grandma also used the say (in gujarati):

“jeh thaay, ee saara maate thaay chhe”.

This loosely translates to:

“whatever is happening, is happening for the good”.

This one really used to confuse me. But grandmas, the wise old things that they are, have a terrific way of plantings seed within us that bloom when we most need them to.

Everything that happens is for the best.

Whatever we experience, or whatever our closest friends and family or indeed anybody in the world around us is going through, is as a result of karma that they themselves have bound.

This karma has to come to fruition, nomatter whether they want it to or not.

When an illness arises and passes, then that’s it — the karma has surfaced, and ran its course. Its a good thing. At least you are free from that karma! Of course there’s all the other previously bound karma that also has to run its course, but at least this one’s gone.

Whenever something happens, nomatter how much temporary pleasure or seemingly long-term pain it may bring you, stay calm and be happy that you are freeing yourself from that which is binding you.

We control nothing, yet we control everything

Even though we cannot control the situations that are facing us right now, we certainly have the power to dictate what comes up for us in the future.

This is done by the way in which we respond to situations.

When we see someone going through a lot of pain, if we get angry about not being able to do something about it, we bind more negative karma ourselves, which leads to negative situations arising for us in the future.

However, if we see the reality of that situation for what it is — that they have to endure the pain, then we can calmly and appropriately support that person the best way we can, without getting emotionally attached to the outcome.

By remaining detached and maintaining calm, we minimise trapping ourselves in troubling situations. That, and being happy right now that we are letting whatever is happening right now run its course. 🙂

Letting go, but feeling great!

We think we control everything. But we don’t and that’s ok. What is meant to happen, will happen. What happens, is appropriate. Whatever is happening, is for the best.

Stay calm, respond appropriately, and be happy!

Share your thoughts about letting go on Google+.

Calm inducing rituals

Written by Suraj Shah.

Soon after the death of a loved one, emotions are all over the place.

There is so much to organise. Relatives fly in from around the world. Family and friends call up and come round to support, arriving early and staying till late.

During such a delicate time, close family members experiencing the loss need something to help bring calm to the madness.

Calm during chaos

In the timeless Jain tradition, we have one such method to bring about calm at a time of chaos.

Within a day or so of the death, we hold a prayer meeting. Distant family and friends of the bereaved and other members of the community congregate in a hall, giving them the chance to offer their condolences to the family.

What I value the most during these two hour sessions are the songs that are sung. These “vairagya na stavano” are songs from the Jain and other Indian traditions that bring about detachment.

What is detachment and why is it important at a time of loss?

In our day to day lives, we spend so much time indulging in objects of the senses, constantly being seduced by the desires of our body and its constant demands.

We succumb to likes and dislikes in pretty much everything we do. These attractions and aversions bring about damaging emotions of anger, greed, ego and deceit.

When we lose someone that we like so much it is easy to fall into a sorrowful and bitter state – but there is a way to rise above it.

Detachment cultivates freedom from attractions (likes) and aversions (dislikes).

Songs that help bring about detachment, the “vairagya na stavano”, result in calm and clarity in our lives.

These songs paint a compassionate picture of how:

The soul is separate from the body.
Even though the body is momentary, the true self (soul) lives forever.
Nothing we do can change someone else’s destiny.
Nothing we do can change our own current situation.
We have great power to influence our own future experiences.
We have great power to remain calm no matter what we are experiencing right now.
There are those who are completely liberated from suffering.
There are those who are in a state of abundant, infinite and eternal bliss.
Those liberated souls presently in a state of eternal bliss have left a path for us to attain it too.
Having faith in words of these wonderfully compassionate souls and patiently treading the path they have shared will bring about great calm and clarity in our lives.

At a time of sorrow and chaos, attaining a sense of calm seems fairly straightforward.

In your faith, tradition or community, what calm inducing rituals do you take part in?